Pointless Late Night Musings!

They always say, "You'll always have that one ex that you'll never fully be over." I disagree with that, but simply because how I am. I've been in four relationships in my 19 years. I don't get into relationships unless I have correctly answered in thought: 1. If I could spend the rest of my life with them. 2. If they will continue to advance/challenge me. 3. If they would make a "good" life partner. 4. If they would make a good parent. I don't love or trust quickly or easily. I put trust second, because it's more important to me. Love is a fickle thing that can't always be controlled, but trust is 100% independent. So, in order for me to be in a relationship, it's a huge deal for me. I love and trust the other person whole heartedly and completely. I don't hold back. I don't do moderation. I never have. If I dedicate, it's completely. There's no other way to live life, in my opinion. Anywho, since I connect so deeply with my girlfriend's, they will always have a place in my heart and mind. It's something that's unavoidable. They'll never be in my life again nor can they influence or recontrol me, but they'll always have a piece of me. And usually it'll take months for me to feel whole again and I stayed single for three years previous to my last relationship that ended in May. Late at night, after a few all nighters or on the rare occasion when loneliness sets in, I remember and reflect upon what once was. Holy crap, this turned into something long haha It's a characteristic of mine. I feel the need to explain everything, then I get distracted on a detail, and then I started explaining that and then... Yeah haha anywho, here's something I found on Tumblr, and it's something I often reflect upon. A majority of "Eleven 3 A.M texts I never sent": "I have seen little parts of you in so many strangers, it’s like you’re everywhere I go." "Sometimes, I really wish you’d run into me so you’d have to look at me and maybe you’d remember how much you love me." "It’s been way too long since I last heard your voice, God I’m going to be sick." "You didn’t say goodbye last time you came over, you said “See you later.” Please tell me when later is." "My friends and family hate you for me. After everything you put me through, I can’t find one spot of me that can detest who you are." "I care about you so much. I just want you to know that. Even if you don’t care about me." "I really fucking love you. I don’t know why I’m stuck on you. I just am. No other person can compare to you. You are an entire ocean to me and everyone else is a drop of water." So, as you can tell, this is one such night of reminiscing and remembering the wonderful, admirable women who, for a period, changed my life and helped me grow as a person! No matter the hurt, I learned so much from each of them and wish them the best! I think I'm looking back to help me with my new dilemma I'm facing... Ah well, maybe another night. If you've read this much, you're awesome! I apologize for this long, pointless vent! However, I figured, hey, there's a bunch of people on Vingle who don't know me! They can listen to my thoughts without me getting embarrassed! Haha ^.^

I could always be whatever you wanted, but not what you needed especially when you've been needing me, because I'm a fucking mess sometimes and I'll say what I don't mean just 'cause I wanted or maybe I need it. I swear lying's the only rush I need, 'cause all I needed was some words to say that all these feelings don't mean shit to me because it's all just chemicals anyway.
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