The #1 rule challenge

So, i was tagged by the ever amazing@kpopandkimchi to do the #1 rule challenge. And i would just like to say that you are absolutely welcome, at anytime, to talk to me. Though we dont really know each other yet, what better way than to chat a little? Alright, with that said... Lets do this...

I struggled a lot during my highschool career. My very first year at the actual highschool as a sophomore, I lost my best friend. She passed away of unknown causes, I was 15, as was she. I have never felt such a pain that literally felt like something was tearing away at my heart. Thats when it first started, after i lost my best friend, my boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks later, on valentines day, because "I was too boring now."


I cried, I didnt talk to anyone, i shut everyone out of my world. Then came Junior year. and I met an old friend that i hadnt talked with for about 3 years. I still had serious anxiety and depression. So at first i didnt really talk with her much. But as we gradually began talking more and more, the school year got a little better, then, a few months before school ended, she showed me VIXX... My first kpop song was Rock Ur Body. I was in love, the beats, the language, the culture. I was captivated. (Ravi is still my Bias after all this time)

I thank god that she showed me VIXX. It was amazing. I was happier, I got back together with my ex, and after almost a year and a half, I was finally okay. Until Senior year. My ex broke up with me yet again, cuz he had "emotional problems". i understood. thats fine. But i was still heart broken. AGAIN. BY THE SAME GUY. Hence why i have trust issues. So thanks for that pal. People began bullying me again, brutally, calling me vile names and insulting my weight, my height, my voice, my hair, basically anything they could ever do to hurt me. I, again, shut myself down, i spiraled right back into the hell that was my depression... I began cutting long lines into the tops of my thighs. no one would see them there, i was "too disgusting" for anyone to EVER even want to be with me... Apparently. I began to fall out of kpop, but one day in my youtube recommended area, bless its soul, BTS was there. Just one day was the song. And i cried. i listened to the song, and i cried. its was so beautiful. still is, and the ending "please stay with me" was, for some freakin reason, the deciding factor for me. i had been planning on committing "it". its a disgusting word, i would rather not say it. i began watching them regularly, the bangtan bombs, the music videos, i even got a twitter just so i could follow them. out of all the things i was trying, anti depressants, therapists, cutting... these 7 boys that i didnt know whatsoever, this one song in a language i didnt even understand, made me drop the knife, stop the pills, and over time, feel better....

Sorry that took so long... Its alot longer than i had intended... but a lot of shit happened. So, now you know. Thank you@kpopandkimchi for tagging me darling, it felt good getting all that out. and i would like to say, if you are thinking about suicide... dont do it, you are so loved. Loved and Cherished, please, dont harm yourself... there are much better ways to cope, dont do what i did. I was supposed to tag people... but alas i dont have anyone memorized at the moment... so whoever reads this, if you havent already done this challenge, i tag you! ❤❤❤ Lots of Love, Ashlee ❤❤❤

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