Please read....

Hello everyone! You don't really need to read this but I would like to say it just to say it. Here we go Hello! I am Netanya, I'm 15 years old and I'm scared of myself. No I do not inflict self harm, because I don't believe in self harm it doesn't solve anything. I've gone into a depression recently and all of my hope and dreams are no longer living to me I feel like nothing. I slap a fake smile on every morning. And I cry myself to sleep some nights because Ik that if I don't I won't sleep at all. I try to keep myself occupied by watching k-dramas, listening to K-Pop, typing on Wattpad, learning Chinese and teaching myself Korean. Although I truly love Korea. I feel empty. Living in America I feel empty. My biggest dream is to become a k-pop idol. Which is ridiculous. However when people ask me why I can't answer. They say I only want to go to Korea and become an idol because I'm obsessed with kpop boys. But it's not true. I don't fantasize about marrying them or being with them. I look up to them and I respect them and all they have to go through to get where they are. My biggest role models are Suga, rap monster, G-Dragon, Amber, and my Mother. I'm in pain so much right now because I think I have finally given up. I lie to my self everyday because I'm afraid of myself. And I hate myself so much for it. I just want to be the best I can be. And do what I really enjoy doing. But I'm afraid. God I hate myself so much right now. I mean I set my mind to being something. But then I tell in my head all I hear is "your a failure" " you'll never make it." "Another dream down the drain." "Your dreams are like your patents marriage. Not existence!" And I can't stop it I've tried so hard. But I'm done. I want to let go and restart. I have felt so much pain. All I want l to do is sing and rap and dance! People say do it here. But I can't stand being here. I've forgotten who I truly am and I need someone who will understand. I have never told this to anyone. Not even my family. But I'm done. I'm ready to throw in the towel I give up. I almost do. Every time I think about throwing myself on my bed and laying there for the rest of my life I think of Suga, and Rap monster and GD and my Mom and I say how disappointing would it be I they just locked themselves away for rest of the lives. So am I doing it! Why am I locking myself away! Why have I given up! Why can I let myself be free!!! I'm a stressed? Do I need counseling? I have no clue anymore. All I know is I'm in pain and really need help. I'd ask my friends but they don't understand. I numb the pain by being stupid, but it doesn't really help. I try to tell my family, but they either don't understand or don't really care all that much, even if they say they do I know that they don't. I have felt this ways since I was 8 years old. The same year my parents got devoiced. I'm trying but I can't do it alone I really need help. I am begging all of you to help in anyway you can please. I don't know what do do anymore. Please. Someone help me because I'm not ready to give up. Even though I'm staring it in the face I'm not ready. It's not time... Please.... - Netanya aka Tannyo

안녕! -나 이름은 에이스
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