To love and Be Loved is such a Sweet Sorrow part 1

@DeniseiaGardner challeneged us to make our own story with five different items that need to be incorporated into the will not be short but long. I need to make you feel the let me know how you like it and grab the tissues...

September 2004-January 2005

At the beginning of my senior of high school I participated in the foreign student exchange program. I left Florida and headed to Seoul, South Korea. I luckied out and got paured with my best friend Tim's aunt, uncle, cousin, and grandparents as my host family. We both laughed so hard when we found this out. I was going to feel less lonely knowing I would be staying with his family. Well at least I thought that would happen. But I was so wrong. His cousin was nice but she kept her distance from me at school. I mean it was already hard because iwas overweight, a nerd, and a foreigner. I was barely getting any sleep because I was still taking online classes from the community college back home in order to have my associates degree along with my high school diploma upon graduation in May. I was away from my best friend that knew all my secrets and that was drop dead gorgeous and made my heart flutter once upon a time. School was hard and I didnt make friends. i listened to my music and wrote my poetry, and study. One day I noticed a boy that was a year younger than me. He was tall 6'0, had dark mysterious eyes and like me had earbuds in all the time. I started admiring him from afar and notice he hangsout with four other boys. I asked Tim's cousin about him since she was in the same grade. *That is Choi Seung-hyun. He is training to be an idol with the other four boys.* I think to myself that he had the looks to become an idol and my heart drops because I knew I didnt ever have a chance with him. Over next few weeks notice him practicing his rapping, singing, and dancing. He's not the greatest dancer but he gives everything he has. A quality worth admiring. One day I had to stay late behind school to finish a college assignment that needed to submitted before midnight. When I left school I put headphones on and hit play on my music. It was dark out and geting ready to storm. As the music changed to a faster pace song I picked up my pace. When i was about to cross the street when I felt someone grab me by my wrist. I turn and see him: Choi Seung-hyun.... He just saved me from getting hit by a car. I am slighty red from embarrassment, but then he introduces himself. *Are you ok?* he asks. I nod my head and he smiles. His smile makes me weak in the knees and breath leaves out of my body. I would have fallen if it wasn't for him still holding me byv my wrist and elbow. He notices me looking at his hands. He lets go. *What is your name? I know you are the foreign exchange student in the grade above me but I don't know your name.* **My name is (y/n).** He smiles and tells me that it is a pretty name and I blush. He asks what I am listening to and takes one of my earbuds out. He smiles...*You have good taste in music I was expecting some American music though* I laugh and hit play for the next song in my list which happened to be Maroon 5 She will be loved. **You mean like this?** he shakes his head yes. I look up and notice I arrived at my host family's place. I tell him bye and head inside with a smile on my face. A real smile that I haven't had for some quite some time.

(His pov) That foreign girl was lucky I was walking behind her and stopped her from getting hit by a car. She was cute. She was short lik 5'3 and she had the prettiest brown eyes I ever saw. They were expressive but somehow they seemed sad. Her taste in music though was exceptional. She was funny humming along to the music as we were walking. She bites her full lips and is always brushing a single strand of hair behind her ear. I bet she does it subconsciously but boy do I wish I could touch her hair it looks so soft and pretty. But what really has me questioning my sanity is when she waved bye and smiled at me my heart did a little stutter. The smile transformed her face and she looked like she was glowing... I was lost in my musings and I Didnt realize I arrived back at the dorms. *hey hyung,* my other members said. **hi**. *Why is your face flushed?* our leader Gd asked. I denied being flushed and told everyone I was heading up for rest. That night I dreamt about her and furniture... (Your Pov) The next day at school he waved hi to me in the hallway. I smiled back. He found me after school and asked if I wanted to hangout. I told him yes. All day I got through my classes and checked in with my online college courses. One of the teachers asked to see me for a moment after school. I arrived at his desk and he wanted to see if I was adjusting well. I explained to him I was fine. He told me that my grades where quite impressive and that he read iwas already taking college courses. Some kids of my class I noticed walked by and heard that and did a double take. I explained the high school I went to in Florida was an Internatinal Baccalaureate school and take college level classes starting our sophmore year to get college credit but I already took all the required classes for the program and my teachers decided to help me graduate with a college degree at the same time of my high school diploma. He was amazed by my transcript. **I am surprised you stay awake in your classes seeing as you already took most of these courses** I explain I work on independent studies while pretending interest and the teacher laughs. I ask if I can be excused because I see Choi Seung -hyun. He excuses me and I bow. Seung-hyun smiles at me and tells me we are going to a music store. My heart is about to burst with joy and i start to jump and down excitedly. He chuckles a deep chuckle at my excitement. **That is awesome. Music is one of the greatest things ever.** I tell him. On the way He asked me questions about my up brining and what made me decide to enter the foreign exchange student program. I avoided answering those questions. Instead Iasked about his musical influences and if he writes any of his own lyrics. We go back and forth answering questions. I avoid all personal family questions. We arrive at the store and listen to different records and suggest musicnfor one another. He buys a few things and tells me he wants to take me to YG BUILDING to meet the boys. We arrive and he takes me to the dance room where everyone is. I smile shyly and introduce myself and then sit and watch them practice. I put my headphones in my ears and get my notebook out and start writing some new poetry and a letter to Tim, and my little sister and baby brother. I didnt realize I started to sing along to my music out loud a blink 182 song Adams song until someone tapped me on my shoulder. I look up and feel my cheeks become inflamed. **Sorry, was I singing out loud again,** I squeek. Choi Seung-hyun laughs. But it was the leader of the group Jiyong **Its okay, you really have a pretty voice but the lyrics to that song is sad. The way you sing it is hauntingly beautiful and distracting.** I blush even harder. **But we are finish with dance practice now. And have to get to our training** I get up and tell each boy it was nice meeting them. Seung-hyun walks me out. I smile and continue on my way home singing the songs in my playlist. Until I hear the record messages from Tim. Then the tears stream down my face. I arrive to his aunt and uncle's house and head to my room. I take everything out of my bag in search of poetry book... I start to panic and hyperventile... A light bulb goes off that I left it in their dance room...I gasping for breath...As my phone rings. I see its Tim. **Hey (y/n). I thought I call my best friend on my way to school as she finishes her night..** I am still gasping for breath.. ***hey, calm down. take slow deep breathes. Inhale, exhale,** Tim starts to sing my favorite song She will be loved. My breathing evens out. **(y/n), now tell me what's wrong** *Did you read the email I sent yesterday?* ***yes, about that boy.*** he says a little jealously. I catch the jealousy in his voice. *Hey, dont be jealous no one can replace you as my best friend. I was hanging out with him after school today and I left my poetry book behind at his dance room. What if he reads it and doesn't like what he reads. What if he doesn't want to be friends after that. I just can't,...* **ok, ok calm down. Everything will be ok.mI promise. So want to hear about the gossip of all us peons over here without your grace princess.** I snort at his nickname for me. I am the farthest thing from a princess. I am a tomboy music of all types loving, GNERK (geek, nerd, dork put together). I Listen to him for 1/2 hour telling me stories everyday high school nonsense. He always knows how to make me laugh and take my mind of things. The reason he will always be my best friend. We hung up when the first bell rung for him. I head outside to the roof and sit down and stare up at the clouds. I contemplate the meaning of my existence. I wonder how my brothersand sisters are. I look up at the sky trying to fimd my happy place even for a little bit of peace. Then head inside after what seems like hours. I lay down and try to sleep. (His Pov) Training was hard tonight. I just couldn't seem to get the dance. She was hear earlier watching and I cringed inside each time I made a mistake. I would look over at her. But she was lost writing in a notebook and listening to music. So then I was able to concentrate knowingshe wasn't paying me any attention. When dance practice stopped we all heard this voice filled with so much sorrow, pain, and sadness singing. I recognized the lyrics to a song from a popular american band. What surprised me was she was singing without realizing we could hear her. She was wrtting away in her notebook what looked like english. Jiyong tapped her on her shoulder and she blushed so cutely that I couldn't have but laugh at the shocked expreasion on her face. The more I found out about her the more she took up my thoughts. Jiyong complimented her on her vouce but told her we needed to continue training. So she said goodbyes and I walked her out. Her smile lit up her face again. I walked back inside and headed to the boys. Where I saw Jiyong had a notebook in his hand. He was reading it and then tears where coming down his face. I asked him what is wrong. He looked at me a little embarrassed. *Its her poetry book. Its filled with such beautiful yet sad words hyung. You should read it yourself.** **No thats wrong. You shouldn't being reading that without her permission.** I snatch the book out of his hand and close it. I vow to protect it and give it back to her tomorrow. **Hyung how much do you know about this girl?** Jiyong asked. *Not much we are getting to know each other as friends. **Just....** jiyong hestitates, **be careful, not to hurt her or get hurt by her. Ok? what I read in her poems she had to have been hurt pretty badly before.** he pats my back. Lets go to singing class, he smiles. I nod my head. later that night in the dorm I am tempted to read her poetry but I wont violate her trust like that. I have trouble sleeping that night but I eventually do sleep.

(Your POV) I wake the next day and go toschool. Outside the gates is Seung-hyun. He handed me my notebook. My heart clenches but I ask **did you read any of it?**. I am dreading his answer. *No but Jiyong did. He only read about half of them. He said they are beautiful. They made him cry. But I didnt because if you want to share them with me I know you'll share it. I didnt want to violate your trust like that.* I let out a sigh of relief. **Thank you for not reading. When I am ready to share it with you I will. Now lets get to our classes before we are late.** He smiles and heads to his class and I head to mine. I am relieved he didnt read them but now I am worry because Jiyong did. There is some very dark poems in here about my life. I need to know if I can trust him to keep it a secret. As I am about to head into my class Jiyong steps in front of me. My heart drops down to my stomach... **You write such beautiful but sad poems (y/n). It makes me wonder why you are so sad? It makes me wonder about you, but mostly it makes me want to make you smile. Can we be friends?** I exhale, **do you promise not to tell people what you read in here?** I stick my pinky out and he links it with his and stamps it with our thumbs. **ok friends.** I smile at him and wave gokdbye as I walk into my classroom. So weeks pass, and I spent them with Seung-hyun, Jiyong and the other members of their group. I spent Seung-hyun birthday with him just us stargazing. I sang him happy birthday and gave him a poem about him. He laughed. That was three weeks ago. I have been pretending to be happy even more lately. I have been fighting sadness and anger for a long time now and its getting worse. I sent Tim a note about two weeks ago because if I emailed him about what I was feeling he woukd hop on the first plane out to here. This way arrives at his already scheduled time to come here. I tell seung-hyun abiut Tim and that when he visits here I will be getting ready to return to the USA, because the exchange program is about to end. He asked when I would be leaving. I told him the second week of January. He smiled but it was a little sad. **Thats six weeks from now. What am I going to do without you here?** He asked bewildered. ***Train and debut silly. We can always email and write letters. I am a fantastic pen pal.*** He smiles. Another week passes and it is my birthday.I didnot tell anyone about my birthday. Birthdays for me are always sad and this year even sadder without my siblings. I try to be in a good mood all day at school. But the sadness keeps slipping in and into every of my actions. Jiyong and Seung-hyun notice. they try to get me to laugh and smile with their cute antics but nothing is working. As we are walking out of the school I notice a familiar figure by the gates. I do a double take and then I squeal with happiness. Jiyong and Seung-hyun look at each other in confussion as I run towards the figure... **TIM, OMG TIM! BUT How and Why?** as my arms go around him and hug him. He hugs me back forever. and kisses my head. ***Happy Birthday Princess.*** He smiles at me as he parts from our hug. I lean up and give him a kiss on his cheek. **That doesnt explain why you are two weeks early. Young man.** ***Don't use your older sister tone on me woman...*** I laugh really loud at his facial expression. ***I got your sos. all five of them. Really girl I asked the teachers if I could take the midterms early. They said yes and told me to give you their regards. I got both our first two weeks of homwork for next semster already. I brought your schedule.*** I jump up and down. **Gimme Gimme. I want to see,** I say excitedly as Jiyong and Seung-hyun make their way over. I grab my schedule and Tims and compare them. I smile from ear to ear to notice i have 3 out of my seven glasses with him... ****I hope you realize I'll be cheating off you in those classes Princess...*** **Like hell you are Skater Boi** he throws his head back and laughs as I punch him in his abs, his breath leves him....***Damn I forgot hard you hit.*** I smirk. I feel Seung-hyun and Jiyong stares. I turn and introduce them to tim. (His Pov) She was sad all day. No matter what I or Jiyong did she couldnt shake her sadness. But then on our way out of school we are walking trying to get her out of her funk. When she soundly squeals and runs over to a boy standing at the gates with a cat that ate the canary smile. She runs up to him and hugs him tightly.... Thats when her words finally registered. This boy was her best friend from the states. The nephew of her host family. I have never been so jealous in my life as I watched his arms go tight around her and he kisses her head. She has tears streaming down her face but not sad ones but ones of joy. I look at Jiyong and he looks jealous too. **Hyung, who is that? Is that her boyfriend?** * No thats her best friend from the states.* We start to walk over and I am even more shocked when shes jumping up and down with excitement and takes two papers from him. I hear their conversation about classes in the states and how he would cheat off her. then this girl completely blew my mind she punched him in the stomach and smirks. She then turns and introduce us. We smile and nod. He turns back to her. ***Princess,*** *Will ya stop with the Princess, its skeeving me out* and she shudders.... ****Nope, but well we are on the subject I am cashing in a coupon.**** *Really using the birthday gift I gave you last year on my birthday? Classy real classy.* she says. Wait today is her birthday. ***hey (y/n) why didnt you tell me its your birthday? I asked. She looks at me with sad eyes and looks at Tim, her best friend. He was about to answer but she put her hand on his arm to stop him, and then slid her hand down to his where he squeezed. She took a deep breath. My eyes on her searching for answers. ****I dont like to celebrate me, the birth of me, or anything to do with me. It is just another day. I am not important so need to celebrate, but Tim here makes me do something ever since I known him.*** Her answer doesnt sit right with me. I turn to Jiyong and he has sad eyes and then a look of understanding passes across his face. I look back at her. As she holds out her hand to Tim to place the coupon in. She reads it and laughs. **Really this is the one you came to Korea to use.*** ***Considered it part of ypur training from Sensei*** she laughs. Turns to Jiyong and I ** meet us at his aunt place, my host family place.** she squats down and goes to Tim **Ok hop on loser!** Tim gets on her back and she takes off running towards her place while giving him a piggy back ride. All we hear is her laughter. And my heart hurts inside my chest. I am seething with jealousy. I am in love with that girl and she will be leaving soon. We arrive at her place. Tim is outside standing. **Can I talk to you Choi Seung hyun for a moment.** *Yes,* I stare at him waiting patiently. He gives me the once over and then I give him the once over. He is 5'10 inches and probably weighs around 150 lbs. He has an athletic build...I guess some girls would find him attractive but he doesnt have anything on me. He stops his looking me up and down and asks quite bluntly ***Do you love (y/n), because she needs to be loved. I know she has feelings for you but she wont tell you that in fear of rejection. If you tell me you love her, I will have her open up to you more and have her show your poetry. *** I stare at him for a long time taken back from his question. I look to Jiyong, he smirks. **Hyung, tell him and yourself the truth. You are in love with that girl.** I look back at Tim. *I love her, I don't know how it happened but I do.** He smiles at my answer but his eyes look sad. ***I love her too. I know how it happened but I screwed it up. She let me back in her life after a very serious situation, but that girl has a heart of gold. Truely on the inside and outside she is the most beautiful person and I lost her for awhile. But my love has changed like she asked me to change it. She is family now. So I love her but you have nothing to worry about she sees me as a younger brother. *** he explains. My heart soars and I jump a little to express my excitement and Jiyong laughs and I hear her twinkling laughter behind me. (Your POV) I come outside and I see Seung-hyun jump up in the air. I laugh. I dont know what has him so happy but it makes my heart flutter. I get down the steps and next to Tim and pinch his arm. **CHRIST, woman will you stop abusing the merchandise until we get to the ring.** *Fine you get a reprieve until then. Do you have the goods?* He lifts the gym bag up. I turn to Jiyong and Seung-hyun *Call up our boys and have them meet us at the gym. They are not going to want to miss this especially Seungri.* I tell them. Jiyong calls them up and we head to the gym. I am going to spar with Tim here for some training of my own, I explain to the boys. **Tim, my lovely punching bag today is a rock music day,** he groans. He goes over to the PA system and out pulsates rock Music. we go to the center of the mat. We take our stances and begin to spar. I feel my kicks and punches land on his body that is covered in protective gear and I avoid his kicks and punches for the most part. We go like this for almost an hour. When I finally feel all the stress leave my body I give Tim the signal. He sighs with relief and collapses to the floor. I go to the gym bag and take out our waters. I sit down next to him and hand him a water. He sits up and takes the drink with a smirk on his face and leans in near me. He has an evil smirk on his face. **Dont think about it. I will hurt you for real I warn** he does it, he wipes his sweaty head on my shoulder. I look at him and smirk and punch him right in his eye. Yep its already tuening black and blue. ****F**k that hurts.*****he complains. I hear Seungri laugh in the background. I get up and then I pull Tim to standing. We head over to the boys. As we walk over I stop him for a second and I whisper in his ear. He goes to turn off the music and comes and sits with me and the boys. *Thats was quite amazing. What are you training for?* asks the youngest Seungri. I smile at him. I take a deep breath, **Its actually more like a form of therapy. But to release some inner demons. But I have my black belt test in about 2 months time.** I answer him. tim sits down next tonSeung-hyun. I sit down next to him put I decide to lay at the last second and I put my head in Tims lap and look up at him and Seung-hyun and both look down at me. I smile sleepily. up at them. **Tim?** he goes hmmm, **will you sing me that song your mom sings. I really miss her** He looks down at me and smiles, leans down and kisses my forehead. ***She misses you too birthday girl,*** he starts to sing to me and brushes my hair as he sings. I put an arm above my head and graps Seung-hyun hand as I fall asleep. I am emotionally drained right now.

(His PoV) She grabbed my hand as she fell asleep as he sang to her. I want to sing with her but I dont know this song he is singing. He is really good too. He could be an idol. Once she is asleep he cries. I look at him and so do the boys in confusion. He looks at us and he tells us she gave him permission to talk about her past be ause right now its too hard for her to tell us but she felt like she could trust us enough for us to know, We all wanted to hear her story. *Do you remember when she told us she doesnt like to celebrate her at all? Do you want to know why that is?* We all shale our heads. He takes a deep breath and tells us her story. (y/n) was born Dec 7, 1986. She is the 4th child of 8. When she was 5 she was sent to live with grandparents to start kindergarten. Her grandma was really mean and called her names. She ran away and her mom came to pick her up to go back and live with her and her dad. But ahe was dropped off every morning to her grandparents house so she could attend a great school. And then would be picked up every afternoon. When she was in first grade, one day her Mom dropped her off. She had a bad feeling and asked her mom if she promised she be their to pick her up after school. Her mom pinky promised her. She already knew at this point even a pinky promise can be brokem by her parents. She witnessed them numerous times fighting. Her mom always making her dad cry. Her dad trying not to hit her mom. Witnessing them, doing drugs. It was very scary for her. She already knew how to lie to the police and child protective servixes in order to be with her siblings. Well that day she made the pinky promise her mom never came. Then her dad came with her four younger siblings. He placed the four month old in her arms and got on his knees looked her in her eyes and told her to be strong. He would be back. He was going to find her mom. At this point (y/n) knew her dad would be back but not when. So she had to stay with her evil grandma that calls her names and hits her. Telling her she is worthless and stupid. With holding food from her, making her stay up all hours. And if anything bad happened in the house she blamed her and would punish her instead of the one at fault. This hurt her siblings that she was being treated this way. Especially her older brother, her hero. One day she came home with a B on her homework and her grandma was going to hit her with a wooden baseball bat. Her older brother stepped in and took the bat to his knees. This hurt (y/n) deeply and scarred her. after a month of abusr her dad returned home but not with her mom. she felt that she had down something to make her mom leave. After a another month her dad recieved papers in the mail. It was gor an annulment. She read the papers and underneatj where it asked about kids her Mom put I have no kids. Again it deeply scared her and she felt like she really was worthless. One day a month later her dad is taken to jail for 6 years. She has to live with her ecil abusing grandmother. She is now always sad and depressed and tries to kill herself multiple times between the ages of 8 and 12. Her dad comes home from prison and shes happy for 2 years. But the womans teenage son that her dad is dating rapes her. Once again her heart is hurt and her spirit. she fakesnat being happy. She wears many masks. So noone can see her self loathing, sadness, and hate. you would think during this time her school work would tank but instead she gets straight As and is put in the gifted program. Her nephew is born and she instantly feels a deep connection with the little guy. shes the only one that can calm him down. She sings to him and tells him all the words she wishes someone would say to her... "you are precious and loved. you are perfect the way you are. you are worth more than anything" she turns the words of hatred spewed at her to words of love she tells her nephew in the dark taking care of him. words of love she tells her siblings. At 14 her grandparents move her against her will to Florida with her four younger siblings. away from her dad amd her older siblings with the promise if she didnt like it in 3 months she could move back to ohio. that didnt happen. But first day of freshamn year I see this girl with a broken smile reading a book, with earbuds in and walking avoiding all human touch. I was in the middle of doing a skateboarding trick and got completely distracted by this girl. She saw a another kid being bullied and got up in the bully's face and gave him a what to using really big words most people dont know. She confused this bully. I was glad I had some classes with her for like a week before she was transfered to the higher level learning classes. I was much like you guys. and hungout with her but only at school. she was never allowed outside out of school. I didnt know much about her. Then in sophmore year a younger sibling joined us at school. she kept runnig away from school. I noticed (y/n) come to school with some more bruises and wore long sleeves. She started to share. some of poetry because she was already published at 13 with some of them. Then one day I notice the cuts on her arm and she broke down and cried in front of me she then avoided me. But I came to find her. Her sister was shipped back to Ohio the place she kept begging to return to but her grandma doesnt ever want her to be happy and keeps refusing her. so I start to come around and make her laugh and sing and share music with her. then on my 17th birthday she gives me a coupon book confessing her feelings. I use my first coupon on valentines day. she thought I only meant as friends. Her baby sister and her grandpa came and picked me up for our date. her baby sister asked me if it was our first date. (y/n) blushed so hard when I said yes the many of firsts. but we never had anymore after that, well because younger classmen told her she didnt belong with someone like me and that I was dating one of them. She really started avoiding me again. I didnt umderstand. I asked our mutual best friemd what was wrong. all he told me was that she needed space away from me and that she was having family issues again. So the rest of junior year she barely talked to me. during that whole time she was being bullied badly at home, at school and her grandfather fell ill. But she come to school with her mask. One night I was driving across one of the many bridges to return home when I saw her standing looking like she was getting ready to jump. I pulled my car over and jumped out and grabbed her from behind. She was going to jump off this 25 ft bridge into the river down below. I screamed at her asking her why. Then she told me her story but what lead her their that day was our mutual best friend raped her. she stopped me from going after him because she didnt want to be alone infear she would finally do the deed of killing herself. so I stayed with her all night sitting on the hood of my car stargazimg and singing to her in korean and english. she told me about my girlfriend that was starting rumors about her. I dumped that chick the next day. but (y/n) made me promise not to get revenge at least not until after graduating our senior year. Then I told her maybe she needed a change of scenery. she told me she already applied to the foreign exchanfe student program for Korea and was accepted. So I spent whole summer with her being her sparring partner when she wanted to hurt herself or kill herself. I read between the lines of her last few emails and then when I received my letter I knew she was getting ready to hurt herself. She was getting ready to hurt herself because she fell in love and it wasnt with me. She knew she was going to break my heart. He turned to us with tears in his eyes. **Thanks for acceptimg her for who she is and not judging her and not making her feel unloved** My heart broke for the damage that everyone caused this girl. I know noe more than ever I wanted to protect her....

Sorry it is so long part 2 and 3 will be out in the next couple of days. let me know whatbyou think.
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