Awake But Not Living - BTS fanfic

Jin's JournalFirst Part to Awake But Not Living

It had been a couple days, maybe weeks, since Seokjin's accident. We all came to see him everyday but they made us leave at night because even tho we were like brothers they said we weren't technically related. We all have been depressed about Seokjin, we barely talk to each other. We only see one another when ever we go him but after we leave we all go our separate ways. Maybe because we all feel a little guilty about the accident. After all we all wanted to go there except for Seokjin, he kept telling us it was a bad idea & that we should go to a restaurant, do something quiet but we all insisted until he agreed to drive all of us. I wish we would have listened to him, we could have been doing something right now instead of wallowing around in self pity. I don't know what the others do maybe they're trying to find a way to get away from the guilt they're bearing. I found my release, & even tho the intoxicant is not permanent, it still helps dull the feelings of self-condemnation. Everyday after I go see him with the guys I come back home & drink. I don't know why maybe I think something different would happen. Today Isn't any different, as I unlock the door to my apartment I walk straight to the kitchen to see if I have any of my canned spirit left. I opened the fridge only too see a few cans left. I drank to many last night I thought as I made my way to the front door, I should probably get some food too I contemplate, remembering that I hadn't eaten all day or maybe days. I make my way to the closest store that's a couple blocks. I light up a cigarette and ignore the disgusted looks from older people. I blow out smoke thinking the last time I drank & smoked this much was before I started hanging out with the guys back when I got in trouble a lot. I was always alone & got into trouble for not respecting older kids, they all had it in for me. I remember the day that I met them it was the day that I pushed my luck as far as it could go, I don't remember exactly what it was, I think I was fooling around with one of their sisters & they found out, or I just didn't do what they wanted me too. But 5 of them had me cornered, I was ready to fight back even tho I knew that I would loose against them. They where yelling at me, trying to get me to be afraid, but I wasn't. I've never been afraid for myself or anyone else for that matter, until now that is. When they realized that they weren't going to get the satisfaction of me being frightened of them, one slapped me, I didn't know who he was but I threw a punch & hit someone & I kept going I kept punching & landing punches but one of them managed to get a hold of me & they restrained me so I couldn't do anything to protect myself. But that's when they passed Seokjin, Namjoon, & Hoseok. Instead of walking away they walked towards us. I was confused as to why they were there I only ever saw them at school & I didn't even talk to them then. "Leave before you end up like him too," one of the older guys warned them but Seokjin just smiled & looked him in the eye & said "I can't he's our friend" I thought he was crazy at the time I wanted to yell at him & his dumb friends to leave but I saw that they had the same determined look on their faces that said they weren't going to leave without me. I just stared at them befuddled, why were they doing this? I blinked & everything turned to chaos, Hoseok & Seokjin were both fighting someone, Namjoon was taking on two, leaving me to take on the one restraining me. We some how managed to get away from them, pretty bruised up might I add, but ever since then we have been together & I want it to stay that way but if Seokjin, if he. . . . I don't even want to think about it. I finished my cigarette & threw the remaining part on the ground, I saw the store up ahead & I started to walk faster. Thinking about the passed made me want to drink even more. Once I get there I get what I need, I think about getting some food but I decide against it, it would just probably sit there untouched. I pay for my things & start heading home, not paying attention to my surroundings. I end up getting home faster than I intended to. Being with the guys all the time made me used to having people around & I didn't notice until now, but I hate being alone. I close the door behind me & I sit down on the couch in my bare living room, that only had a TV & a small table. I open my first can & put my feet on the table & start my journey of Intemperance.

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