I woke up around 2:45A.M., panic stricken. I've been having panic attacks more frequently lately. I thought I had bested this issue before I left college, but the intrusions have kept coming. More and more anxiety has mounted.
"I owe myself more than this", I thought. As the hours passed, my thoughts became more twisted, taking me to places that only a madman would dare.
Clammy hands, blood shot eyes, tongue like sand paper. Breathing is shallow and it's too late to call anyone. The only things that happen past 2AM are usually accidents. Am I an accident?
With the death of David Bowie came a series of existential questions in my mind. Constantly turning over, bigger and worse each time they were asked.
I miss my family.
I miss my friends.
I miss my innocence.
I miss people I never thought I would.
Things aren't easy right now.
When life throws you a giant brick of shit, you either dodge it, catch it, or eat it. Guess which one I'm doing right now.
It's like the nightmares are hanging on past the dreams. And for a minute when I wake up I feel like the entire world is crashing down on me. And most of the time, my only thought, my only action is to try and be remembered. Like every single day, I'm preparing my own eulogy: what will they say about me?
But I realized as I faced the early morning sun, that I can't live like this. I can't continue this path. And though things are better now, and I've straightened myself out significantly, I can't shake the self-doubt that put me in harm's way.
Where do you find strength? Where do you turn?
I messaged one of my best friends last night, and she assured me, that the things I were doing were great. That even though I may not be where I want to be, as many of us aren't, I'm still making strides.
2016 looked like it had a lot of hope hidden between its numerals, but if this week is any indicator of the things to come it may be an impossible year to survive.
But you can't think like that, you can't bank on that. You can't create that kind of myth before it happens. You can't set yourself up for failure or death before you're up against it can you?
I'm learning, and as every day of this year passes, I think I'm getting closer to happiness. No matter how jagged the road, no matter how many nights I sit awake lamenting my choices, or how far I've come...I can stand up, and try to ultimately be proud of myself, because you know what...I should be.
If we can't organically take pride in the things we're doing, we have to rely on those around us. And as counter-intuitive as that may sound, it works. Most of the time, the worst critic you can encounter is yourself.
As we look forward to February, March, May, December, we have to have faith in ourselves, that things will get done. That we will rise to the challenges. That we will make good decisions, that we will elect the right guy, we'll buy the right things, we'll appreciate our loved ones before they leave us.
No matter what impossible thoughts your feeble mind conjures up, the only person who can prevent them from becoming actions is YOU. Me. I have to take back control.
We have to take back our year.