Talk with the Grim Reaper

Talk Host: “Our first guest of the evening is an urban legend and horror icon who has come back to Earth and is known around the world as Lord Death. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome The Grim Reaper.”

-Lights dim and loud fanfare music turns into dark ambient jazz music. Fog flows from the curtains as they spread from left to right. Thumping sounds hit the wooden floor and the camera pans widely on The Grim Reaper. He walks and takes a sit next to the talk show host-

Talk Host: “Thanks for dropping by, Grim.”

Grim Reaper: “Yeah sure, great effects.”

Talk Host: “I thought your voice would be loud and deep.”

Grim Reaper: “I wanted to, but that’s just for entertainment. My voice hurts from yelling at my kids anyway”

Talk Host: “Why have you decided to come back to Earth?”

Grim Reaper: “It’s mostly a living I do.”

Talk Host: “I bet your wife gives you motivation everyday when you leave the house, doesn’t she?”

Grim Reaper: “Yeah, she does that after breakfast. She says ‘later hun, knock em’ dead!’ I think she still doesn’t know that I don’t ‘knock em’ dead’. I just poke the humans and then BOOM. They turn cold and still.

Talk Host: “Do you get someone to ‘knock em’ dead’?”

Grim Reaper: “Well, I usually let Satan do that and I normally work alone. I actually thought about getting Al Capone’s body back from his grave and retrieve his baseball bat to do the job. Unfortunately, the bat was disintegrated when he was descending into hell. A foul play you would call it.”

Talk Host: “There are a lot of people who imitate and dress up like you at parties these days.”

Grim Reaper: “Yeah, but to be honest, it’s kind of embarrassing and it makes me sad sometimes. Everyone has their own version of me. That’s the problem. And I try and tell them ‘you’re doing it wrong, man’. So I just kill their phones. They get confused and angry. It’s a great moment I always have to have during my job. Anyway, I don’t dress up all the time, it’s mostly just whatever I fell like wearing. One day it’ll be a suit and tie, the other day will be a Hawaiian shirt and underpants.”

Talk Host: “But at least they have the same characteristics and powers like you.”

Grim Reaper: “True. I actually like the one from Soul Eater. He’s like an uncle to me and we have the same perspectives. Maybe he can knock people down with his slapstick hand.”

Talk Host: “Let’s talk about your work. Over a span of thousands of years, you’ve been collecting souls. Now you’ve merged with the IRS for a long time now and continue to be a part of the company. Has there been anything new in the business?”

Grim Reaper: “Well, business is going well. We’ve worked with congress, but given the fact of how well that has turned out, it’s like giving away charity money over nothing. We also talked about taxing the church, but we would have to get Jesus on a conference call, which is difficult because he’s been wondering the Earth for thousands of years we can’t find a trace of his skin. Plus his father is lazy in figuring out which human will get into heaven and a free hot plate down below. At least I got to be ‘employee of the month’ seven hundred thirty five thousand nine hundred and sixty three times in a row.”

Talk Host: “Don’t you have employees in the company that can help you with that?”

Grim Reaper: “Like I said, I work alone. Most of the guys around my desk are kind of afraid of me. One time there was this guy, Dan from human resources, came by fidgeting and asked if he can borrow my pen. As I was reaching for it, from what I’ve seen, a brick fell behind him and he collapsed to the floor and crawled his way out screaming. I thought it was a shit brick, but it turned out it was something that fell from the ceiling that leads to the upstairs bathroom, one that the plumber was supposed to fix. Dan is a strange man and I think he’s been having issues with his position since he’s the only person left while everyone else flies around and playing grab ass with each other. I don’t understand these people. It’s frustrating sometimes, but at least I have the front desk lady. I told her a joke the other day: ‘Why does The Grim Reaper call the front desk while on vacation?’”

Talk Host: “Why is that?”

Grim Reaper: “For tomb service. Ha ha ha. We had a good laugh.”

Talk Host: “Good one. Now since your job is to take the souls of humans, are there any humans you’ve tried to take away, but couldn’t?

Grim Reaper: “Well it’s rare sometimes to ‘try’ and take a soul. Do you know how many times I tried to kill Kenny McCormick of Colorado? The little shit is immortal. First he gets killed, then the next day he’s alive again. During the middle of all of that, I’m trying to find his soul in limbo and that is an infinite void where I can spend some R and R. I swear, I never get exhausted at this job, but I can’t keep up with that crap.”

Talk Host: “Isn’t Kenny a cartoon figure?”

Grim Reaper: “Yes, and no matter how you see, real or fictional, anyone is eligible to receive a ticket to ride with me. Usually in the glove compartment.”

Talk Host: “So, do you have a list or calendar you keep in hand?”

Grim Reaper: “Actually I keep a timer with the person’s name on it. I think about how they managed to mess up their life and the timer goes down instantly. Like there’s this one guy who had seventy years to live, but he got an allergic reaction and he went from seventy years to seven minutes. It’s insane the way people run their lives.”

Talk Host: “Do you actually control the time to the point where you have to collect their souls?”

Grim Reaper: “Nah. I just wait for the timer to go off and then I head straight to the scene. A human controls their own time. That’s the boring part, waiting.

Talk Host: “Is it true that before a human dies, there’s an animal nearby waiting for that person to die?”

Grim Reaper: “Yes and no. Our top two animals are the crow and the cat.”

Talk Host: “Do they assist you?”

Grim Reaper: “No, they just watch. We make bets, you see. Whoever gets to the body first wins the bet. Insects and other living things don’t count because they’re too busy eating the dead flesh. By the way, they just stare at me like ‘Ha ha sucker! All mine now.’ The bastards brag about it afterwards. I don’t know.”

Talk Host: “In the Book of Revelation, You are known as the third houseman of the apocalypse. When will be the last day on Earth be?”

Grim Reaper: “I don’t know really. Everyone in the world has a day off which is the problem because back in the office, we have to have a meeting about it. We have to hold a conference call with all the religions, including the Jedi kid, The Plague, and like I said we have to get Jesus on and plan how the play should be.”

Talk Host: “Wait, it’s a play?”

Grim Reaper: “Yeah. A lot of people are waiting and worried about the end of the world, but it would be suitable to put on a three-act play. When the year 2000 went by, nothing happened. Jesus and God called and said they got lazy with the production design and we had to go back to the drawing board.”

Talk Host: “So, is there really going to be an apocalypse?”

Grim Reaper: “I can’t say it. It would be a spoiler.”

Talk Host: “Well, thanks for dropping by the show. We’re glad you could be here.”

Grim Reaper: “Sure thing, man. By the way folks, there’s going to be a huge earthquake that will crumble the entire studio in about five seconds. I’ll see you guys in the afterlife.”

I'm not good at making bios, mew. The name's Patrick or Pat. Movie buff, anime geek, writer, professional cat-napper.
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