Letter To My Past Self

Dear Me,

What's up dude?! Congrats on passing those classes. Precal was tough huh? But unfortunately, it's only gonna get worse. And, even more bad news: math will be the least of your worries.

You're about to start your last year of high school. You've made it through the first 3 fairly easily. But this is a warning: this year is going to be the hardest you will ever experience. That girl that you talk to every night will be the biggest factor, but before we talk about her, let's discuss everything else.

At the beginning, it's going to be sad and happy. It will be your last first day of high school. The last time you have to wake up at 6:30 and meet up with your friends in the gym. It may not be a huge deal, but do your best to enjoy it. Classes will mostly be hard but manageable. The good thing is that your relationships with your favorite teachers will grow tremendously. I do believe that you made a place in their hearts for you, so congrats on that. Not only with teachers, but with your closest friends as well. In fact, although it won't happen until the beginning of the second semester, you will be friends with the one person you hate the most. I know, I bet you're pretty disgusted to hear that right now, but let me tell you, she will have such an impact for you that you're gonna wish you had befriended her before. Hell, we actually get a tattoo dedicated to her later, but that's not until much later.

I know life is perfect right now, and I really hate to warn you about this, but you need to be prepared. Your parents are going to get a divorce. It doesn't seem too bad; we saw it coming after all. I mean, if a couple divorces, stays separated for most of your life, and then suddenly remarry, things are bound to happen. And although we were right about the reason, it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Afterwards, Dad won't talk to you for a while, not because he doesn't love you, but because he's ashamed of what he's done. But no matter how much you hate him, just remember that even though he's a shitty husband, he is still a good father.

So school and grades and parents are gonna be stressing you the fuck out and you're gonna want to run and find something to make you happy. The good news is, you find it. The bad: you find it too late. She was always outside of your bubble so you never noticed her. You chased fake love and titles instead of digging for the buried treasure that was her. You eventually find her, although several years too late. For a while, she becomes your motivation to keep going. To keep fighting through the shit life catapults at you. For several months, you hold your ground. And finally, after months and months of trying, you two finally get together. The good news is that this is not your peak, you just think it is. The bad news is that you have to fall to realize that. And unfortunately, you fall hard.

You're gonna start having problems with her. You react in stupid ways that only sharpen the stakes below. And then, that one final push. That final message that sends you over the edge. There is nothing you can do, it was bound to happen. You end up in the hospital. They keep you there for a week. During that week, they fill you up with drugs and try to rehabilitate you. It works. You get out good as new and are happily welcomed back by everyone, including her. After a very difficult talk, you decide to try again. You go on dates to the park and talk 24/7. She becomes your date to the prom and you experience one of the best nights in your life. Even now, it is in my top 5. This, here, is your peak. Please, enjoy it as much as you can.

After a peak comes the slow, hellish fall down. Again, problems arise, and although you successfully conquer the ones you were able to, it's the ones that you couldn't control that end it all. You both fall again, with no chance of getting up. You take it really hard. You end senior year without seeing her, with your final goodbye said at her house, following the sweetest, bitterest kiss you will ever have.

I would tell you more, like the new friends and job you gained afterwards, or the next hospital visit that ruins your body forever, or maybe even when you felt love again that wasn't for her. But that wouldn't be very fun now, would it? So listen to me, as much as I want to tell you that everything is going to be ok, the ugly truth is that it's not. Your hard work will not pay off. You will dedicate yourself completely, and lose. I'm sorry, but it will happen.

With that being said, remember: you get through this. I am the proof. This letter is the proof. We get through this, and although there are a few cracks here and there that remain, our body is alive and kicking. You cannot be beaten. You will experience so much and still get up to start a new day. Do not lose hope for the future. It is pointless to give up on something that has not happened yet, and even worse when you know you eventually win. Just keep hoping. Just stay fighting. Things will one day get better. I'll be here to thank you when you get through it. Good luck Brandon, I know you'll survive.

I am in love with poetry. The letters that form words can channel so much emotion into simple phrases. Only poetry can describe exactly what you are feeling at any given moment.
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