Facebook Memories

One of my favorite things right now has been this feature on Facebook. Mostly, all I posted was dirty and funny jokes and stuff, but as I matured, I started to post deeper things. I'd like to share two that popped up this night/morning. The first, because it's constantly been on my mind in a more positive, longing kind of way. The second because... well, I have a lot of regrets regarding how I acted to two people... But one in particular. (This is from after I typed the whole card. Uh, this is more of a serious toned creation. I didn't really expect it to be so heavy, but it just happened lol For that, I apologize. But I sure feel better lol)

"I wonder what it’s like being 28 and waking up knowing you’re going to ask her to marry you tonight. I wonder what it’s like being 30 and waking up to her gone for the week on a work trip and having the entire bed to yourself for the first time in ages so you starfish the fuck out of it, but somehow drift over to their side because you already miss them. I wonder what it’s like being 42 and waking up for work content that the same pair of tired eyes as yesterday, and the day before that, and for the past 13 years, still look at you like you have the ability to reverse time and stop the sun from rising any higher, then you could both stay in bed. You blink, smile, and kiss her forehead softly as a reply, silently acknowledging your shared distaste for mornings, but not apologizing for wanting to wake up to those eyes again tomorrow. I wonder what it’s like being 49 and waking up beside someone who still makes you nervous when they look at you that close up in the morning, especially now that you’re nearing 50 and fully aware of the wrinkles you have and the ones on the way. I wonder what it’s like being 61 and waking up at 2pm because you were too sore and sickly to get out of bed that morning, but when you hear her key in the door after coming back from the store with some medicine, your favorite soup and a kiss, it still makes your heart beat fast enough to propel you off the bed and into her healing arms. I wonder what it’s like being 87 and waking up next to an undisturbed pillow and an unwrinkled half of a quilt because she died 2 years ago, peacefully in her sleep. It was just her time to go. I wonder what it’s like to live life in that much love. And when you do, I wonder what it’s like to lose it to something as trivial as your body passing through time. It’s heartbreaking that the body can’t last as long as the love between two people. But it’s also kind of beautiful that love transcends physical nature. All we can do is experience it while it’s here and while it lasts."

Okay, that's beautiful, right? Like, bittersweet and I can't imagine anything more perfect. It's literally my biggest fantasy in life. I want to romance the shit out of someone our whole lives. I want to get married and make a huge fucking deal out of it and just work it into conversations. I want to have kids and I'm going to tell every-fucking-body lol I'll be that annoying person. Because gah, it's so exciting! and it's great! "Hey, Brandon, can you pass me that pen?" "Sure. oh, speaking about pens, I'M GETTING MARRIED IN 7 MONTHS! There's going to be flowers and shit on top of a hill overlooking the beach and it's going to happen with the sunset... did you know that it costs $780 for a photographer?..." I want a life of adventure with somebody. I want somebody I can't stand to live with or without. I want to spend the rest of my life wooing her and teasing her and making her happy and keeping her safe and help her through all the tough times and celebrate her every accomplishment, because holy crap, you're just amazing and I'm so proud and lucky to have you here. I want to have that relationship where it's always great, and I know that's impractical, but even when it's not great, yes it is great! Because I have her and she has me. Disney movie sing alongs, breakfast at 3 A.m. making a huge mess and then doing the dishes together and silly matching tattoos and quiet reading in different rooms or together, cuddling in bed. Having serious debates about whether or not chocolate dipped apples are better than lemon meringue pie. I could keep going for hours, but I think you get the idea lol aaand, here's the second one.

*sigh* I know what I'd say. I'd want these two words to be sent to my 14 year old self. It'd give myself time to stop being a pretentious, self-absorbed, shallow fuckhead. I'd go back in time so I could punch myself in the back of the head. Lol The two words would just be a seemingly random name. It wouldn't even mean anything, until the following year, when a new girl shows up to your high school. And after two weeks of checking her out, you finally meet her.... Everything snaps into place. The implication behind her name on that note makes sense. She's the one. Stop being stupid... Choose her. I know you feel that. From that first time you saw her, you knew. From that first touch, you knew. Don't be another in the long line of idiots who didn't see how special she was, who hurt her. Don't be me 5 years down the road, making up for lost time. So much stuff she went through because you were too scared, because you didn't man up and take the plunge. So much pain because you were too stupid, too shallow.... Show her love doesn't hurt. Show her happiness is not only possible, but that she deserves it. Show her that she's perfect and that those things she calls imperfections, that darkness she holds within herself, are all okay. That it doesn't matter, because it's her and she IS good enough, that she's better than good, that the bitterness doesn't have to be there. That she is important and a priority. Stop, 14 year old me. Please...Choose her. Those two words? The first and last name of my best friend. *sigh* Oh, the regrets of a 20 year old. *cough* Anywho, I kind of needed to vent a bit ^.^ I'm trying to get better and letting stuff out for her. Her biggest problem with me is that,"...I never know how to help you. I never know what you need because you don't come to me with things that bother you. You hide them from me. I never know if you're lying about things bothering you because you never tell me and you're good at hiding it." and I don't like her stressing about me. or at all. I don't like her worrying or feeling inadequate. So I'm improving and changing. I think this was full of emotions and stuff that bothered me lol Well, I'll attempt(and fail) to sleep, but good night! and congrats to anyone who has made it this far. You rock ^.^ I AM curious as to your response to the two memories! What two words would you say? What do you think about romance with somebody for the rest of your lives? What goals do you have regarding that whole thing? Do you believe it's a reachable and viable goal? @jordanhamilton@buddyesd@MichelleHolly@ButterflyBlu

I could always be whatever you wanted, but not what you needed especially when you've been needing me, because I'm a fucking mess sometimes and I'll say what I don't mean just 'cause I wanted or maybe I need it. I swear lying's the only rush I need, 'cause all I needed was some words to say that all these feelings don't mean shit to me because it's all just chemicals anyway.
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