I wake drenched in a cold sweat. It’s been months since our goodbye and I dream about it every night. My room no longer smells like you but it definitely smells of sadness. I wake everyday and fake a smile for my fans, for my members, and most of all so no one sees how much pain, and loneliest your departure from my life caused.
Our mutual friends have been mum about what you have been upto. The saddest thing is not only did you depart my life you departed my members as well. They don't mention your name around me but I once overheard them talking before I came into the room that you changed your number and it seems you even moved. I have no way of closure or any answers to all the questions I want answered.
When did you start to pull away?
Why didn't I see the signs of your unhappiness?
Why did you leave?
Did I do something?
I sit in our old coffee shop we use to drink at and while trying to puzzle out the answers i hear a laugh similar to yours. I turn my head and I see little sister on the phone. Her eyes connect with mine. I hear she tell whoever is on the other line she’ll call them back. She walks over to my table.
Jinyoung oppa
Annyeong Stephanie-ssi.Annyeong Stephanie-ssi.
She smiles at me. I see she wants to sit so I gesture to the seat. She takes it and really looks at me.
“You both look miserable.”
My eyes widen in surprise.
“Oppa, it's not noticeable but I know you both. You both put on a good facade but you both shined more when she was with you. She's so stupid. Oppa please be happy its what she wants. Please move on.”
“I...I am trying to manage. I just don't think I can without knowing why.”“I...I am trying to manage. I just don't think I can without knowing why.”
“Oppa, I can't tell you. She needs to tell you. Though I will say it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. I'll have her call you. I promise Oppa.”
She gives a smile and pats my hand. She leaves out the door. I see her on her cellphone and start talking. My heart is so confused.
I must have done something. Stephanie is mistaken. I sit for a few minutes when my phone vibrates. I look down at an unknown number sending a text.
‘it wasn't you. It had nothing to do with you. Just believe that. Goodbye, Park Jinyoung. Start smiling your true smile.”
I try to text back but it doesn't go through. I try calling the number but it goes straight to voicemail.
Exasperated I get up and make my way to practice and dance it out. After dancing a my aggression, pain, and loneliest away my heart feels a tad bit lighter and I was able to forget for a few hours.
The few hours spent really laughing and smiling with everyone. Then it was time for bed and my room was bugging me. It was total chaos. I really haven't cleaned it since you left. I have so much energy I decide it be good idea to start making it more presentable.
An hour later and clothes are off the floor, desk, chairs and bed and where they need to be. I think it's tell for me to stop when I see a note on my desk after I moved a pile of clothes. My breath hitches and my fingers trace the handwriting from you.
Am I ready to read this?
My heart is filled with trepidation. I pick it up and head my bed and lay down. I hold onto it debating. I fall asleep thinking…
Tomorrow I’ll open it and read it. I know it holds the answers but tomorrow. I clutch it in my hand and my eyes drift to dreamland.
To be Continued...To be Continued...
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