Hello My Fellow Otakus & ARMY!♥
So before I begin to pore out my feelings & stuff I just wanted to give a fair warning before I do so. What I am about to say may be triggering or offensive (idk about that one but just incase) so if you feel horrible about Suicide or Depression please do not read any further I do not wish to bother you and may you have a beautiful day :)
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
So I'm pretty sure most of you have seen me post more these past couple of weeks (Especially of BTS) and I just wanted to say thank you to anyone who has shown amazing love for those cards I really do appreciate it! But I Dont Think I Can Continue To Post Anymore.
About 4 weeks ago I was diagnosed (again) with Bell's Palsy. For Those who don't know Bell's Palsy is when Half of your face cannot move (no matter how hard you try) due to an infection that has attacked your facial nerves.
Now I have gotten this before BUT this time around it basically slapped me hard because it happened on the left side which in this case is really rare & bad. I've experienced so many things this time around and honestly its the worst I've ever felt in Years.
During All of this I tried to distract myself with Anime, BTS, My YouTube Channel & Making Cards Here on Vingle. It was working at first until I tried to make a video with my current face problems and I know I am not but I couldn't help but feel like I lokked like a monster. So now any videos I would love to be making right now are on hold due to my face.. So Then I Focused onto the others... At first watching Anime & BTS Videos & Singing to Music were working great until I Hated how my own family members would look at me funny because when I laugh or smile or sing becuase it just looked weird. So now I hide myself in my room so that people dont have to stare anymore. Which has now left me with my one prized possesion that I have been doing for 2 Years now. Making Cards on Vingle❤
But Now Even That Has Begun To Feel Bad. I didnt realize it then but now thanks to my doctor I learned that I have Depression. It makes sense because Only the rarest of things make me laugh or smile now. Literally the only thing that has made me actually laugh recently was the BTS Run Ep. 38 and since then I havent laughed. I love making Cards here but thanks to my depression I begin to think negatively and sadly. Like I'll go on and begin to hate other Vinglers because I feel like they are "copying me" when its not true yet my brain wont let things like that go. Or If I See Someone Post Something I was planning to post I go Ballistic to the point where I am crying! I hate feeling this way because I know its not who I Am and its not how I want to be or feel. Or I get super sad (to the point I'm crying) if I post a card and not get the amount of likes I believe the card should have. LIKE WTF I'VE NEVER CARED ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT and now all of those things torment me and I dont think I can take it anymore you guys. And Trust If You thought this was bad Imagine my other issues in real life.
I'm going to be honest with you guys because deep inside I know someone cares but I've also been contemplating about just ending it all and I dont mean just Vingle. I try so hard to think of things I should stay here for Like My love for My Family or BTS or My Love for muscis and nothing works. And it sucks because deep inside I dont want to but I just cant anymore. I try to tell myself that if I go people will be upset but then I say no they'll be happy without me. Wow honestly I know the whole idea of my card went through the trash but I feel like I just need to let these emotions come out before I do something I regret. Also for those that do care and are worried please do not be I have already warned my oldest sister, father & mother about my feeling and have been watching over me so even though I do feel all these things deep inside (which I like to call the real me) doesn't want this version of me to win.
Iknow this card is a huge attention wanter but I just really thought that my dear followers & Vingle friends that actually like what I do here should know how I feel and wouldn't be surprised or confused if I just stopped posting. So to those who took the time to read my card thank you it means a lot and for those who actually care I love you guys and hopefully I beat this demon and return to do what I love the most❤ Thank you God Bless❤
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