Who: Reader x Kim Junmyeon
What: Angst, Romance, Smut
Story: You're just two trauma filled people trying to live normal lives... but trauma is a bitch
Junmyeon was deep asleep but he was wrestling with demons in his bed. He tossed and turned as his worst memories came to his mind in flashes that seemed too real, he was reliving the very thing that gave him PTSD.
He was only seven when his father had put him in his old 1995 Honda accord. Junmyeon kept asking his father,
But his father just shouted at him to shut up. The shouting didn't help, it just made him cry harder. Junmyeon knew something was wrong. He saw some blood on his father's clothes and he could feel the panicked atmosphere in the car. He didn't know what happened exactly but he knew it was something bad. Junmyeon kept crying for his mother, begging to see her and his father snapped and hit the breaks so hard it jerked Junmyeon forward.
"I promise, you're going to see your mother soon. We'll be with her in a little while but we're going to go somewhere first." He said.
"Where is eomma?" He cried
Tears streamed down his sad innocent face. His cheeks had turned red and his lips trembled. His father reached back to pet his head, his only true act of consoling his son, and he smiled.
"It's a surprise. We'll be there soon."
Junmyeon remembered seeing the back of his father's head again. The flashes came faster in his nightmares but at the same time he could feel the horror of everything as if it were lasting for hours. Such horrible things a child should never have to see but he had endured. He found his mother's body back home when the police tried to return him to his mother. As if that wasn't enough, his father blew his brains out so he wouldn't have to go to jail. He didn't know why his father had killed his mother or himself, he had no idea why he wanted to kill him as well. The blood that covered the ground and the gun that dropped next to his body were pictures burned into his head. His grandfather tried to shield him from the media that wanted to report it, to keep him from becoming scarred by the situation but it had already affected him.
His kidnapper was his father...at seven years old how was he supposed to comprehend that?
Junmyeon woke up in a cold sweat, he shook off the jarring feeling and proceeded to get ready for school. He thought about how Y/N mentioned PTSD leading to depression. He had agreed to depression being their topic for the project but he agreed to it because he knew her motivation was Minseok. It was a topic he could be passionate about himself but he didn't want to talk about PTSD. He didn't want to dive that deep, he was fighting with his eagerness to be the best in everything he did and his inner demons.
While he let the hot water run down his body in the shower, his hand started to shake. He almost felt panicked when he noticed it. He used his other hand to try and stop it. He massaged the hand but he felt anxiety whisp through his chest. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself. He knew why his hand was shaking though. It was his own form of PTSD that liked to show up especially when those memories came back to him. When they flashed through his mind to make him suffer, the memory of his dead mother and father and the funeral that came after it; the pain of going back into his empty house to get his things so he could live with his grandparents; those memories hurt. All his grandparents ever wanted was for him to be happy.
All he wanted was to not be damaged.
Therapy sessions went on from his early childhood years to his high school years. Any form of intense combat made him black out. Those episodes made his grandparents worry. He was put on medicine and from there he was struggling with feeling like a zombie. He did anything to feel, eventually using sex as his way to deal. Sex and drinking, but because of his medication he didn't get to drink often. While Y/N was right, PTSD caused depression as well, what most people didn't know was depression was more than thoughts of suicide. Junmyeon had never once thought about killing himself, in fact when his depression started to tear him down he tried to work twice as hard to keep his head up. His depression symptoms were more towards anger. He had a lot to be angry about.
In high school, Junmyeon was popular. Girls loved him and he was in his own little gang at school. When he got into fights, he'd rage until he blacked out. When he came too, he wouldn't remember a thing. There was a fear inside of him that made him wonder if he'd become his father. He didn't want that to happen. If he had to be a zombie he'd do it but he'd find a way to operate like a normal human being. That's all Junmyeon wanted... to be normal.
He hopped out of the shower and popped two pills in his mouth before he walked out of his room in his bath towel. He headed past the living room, seeing Jongin on the couch asleep and Minseok in the kitchen.
"Morning." Minseok said.
Junmyeon groaned while he raked his fingers through his hair. He went to the refrigerator to look for something to eat while Minseok said,
"Yeah, what else is new."
"Hey I heard you and Y/N are working on a project together, is that true?"
"Yeah why does it matter?" Junmyeon said.
He knew he sounded irritated and tired but the last thing he wanted to do was talk about that girl. She was strange to him, she seemed to herself at times almost like she wasn't good enough to speak to anyone else. He hated the way she corrected him in some of their other classes. It's like they were always having a battle of wits. Who could out smart who? It annoyed him that she thought she was so much smarter than him, like he wasn't busting his ass off enough to get his education done. He despised how some people had things just come so naturally to them. No matter how irritated he was to be talking about her in the morning, he knew Minseok didn't deserve his attitude. Junmyeon was still waiting for his medication to kick in, he'd probably mellow out in ten minutes.
"Just, be careful with her okay. She's kind of fragile." Minseok said.
Junmyeon closed the refrigerator door a little harder than he meant to, it sounded like he had slammed it shut. He turned around to see Minseok looking at him concerned and Junmyeon just sighed with an eye roll.
"What do you think I'm going to do with her? I just need to get a perfect grade on this project, it's the professor that put us together. Jackass. I just know he did it on purpose."
"Look, I'm only asking because she's still recovering from her break up-"
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Well, you're really rough around the edges when you're around her. I'm only asking you to be polite. You don't have to like her Junmyeon. You don't know her like I do but she's -going through a tough time right now. She's kind of lost."
Minseok sounded like he really cared about her. Junmyeon wondered if he liked her or something. He was aware they had been friends for some years now, since grade school if he was remembering right. He understood a little why he'd want him to be nice to her. It seemed like a bother but because it was Minseok asking he'd do his best to be nice to her.
"Fine. I'll tolerate her. We didn't kill each other last night so I think we can make it through this project."
"Thanks!" Minseok said.
Junmyeon had already started heading back to his room so he could get dressed. He didn't find anything in the kitchen that he wanted so he figured he'd go out instead. There was a Starbucks a few blocks away from the flat he could go to. He didn't like going there for the coffee, there was a barista there he liked to hit on. It might make him feel better by getting attention from her. He used to worry about being a narcissist but if he was, it wasn't enough to be diagnosed with a complex. So he was just conceited to some extent.
Junmyeon stood in line rocking back and forth while trying to settle his mind on something else. He saw the barista busy making drinks as always, after he ordered his drink he could go over there and chat her up. The line moved slow today because she was the only one on the shift making drinks. He might not be able to speak to her long. She would slow down to talk to him though, she always did. Junmyeon noticed someone with short brown hair walk to the counter to wait for their drink. He kept staring at her because she looked familiar. When he moved up in the line to finally see their profile, he realized it was Y/N. She was talking to the barista with a big smile on her face.
She looks better when she smiles
He had finally gotten a chance to make his order and headed over to the counter to speak with the barista. He thought he would be funny so be bumped into Y/N. When she looked up at him with her mouth a jar, he said,
"Geeze watch where you're standing would you."
Her brows furrowed. Clearly, she wasn't amused.
"Someone with your level of intelligence should know that's a childish move Kim Junmyeon." she said.
"Ew what are you full naming me for? Why are you always so informal? I'm older than you."
She chuckled, probably because it sounded like he was whining. She rolled her eyes though and looked at the barista.
"Hyojin-eonni can you add ice in Minseok's you know how weird he is about that." She said.
"Sure." She laughed.
Junmyeon looked from the barista to Y/N,
"You're going to see Minseok?"
"Yeah," she reached for her coffee that Hyojin set on the counter for her, "thanks."
"Why didn't he tell me?"
"I don't know, you don't like me anyway so what does it matter? He's never told you before right?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right but he could've at least told me you were stopping by here."
She laughed while she sipped her coffee. She licked her lips of the foam that slipped through the mouth piece.
"You really need to try that hard to avoid me?" She giggled.
Something about that giggle startled him a little. He stared at her and her eyes widened in wonder. Junmyeon cleared his throat and looked at Hyojin. He started chatting with her when Y/N gasped with an air of excitement. It caught both his and Hyojin's attention. She opened her arms and hugged a man taller than her, he had slight creases in his cheeks as he smiled, very close to being dimples and bushy eyebrows. Hyojin had called Minseok's order and Y/N thanked her before turning back to the guy in front of her.
"It's only been three months and I feel like it's been three years. Where's Wookie oppa?"
"He stayed at home with Heechul."
"Oh so they've got you doing the grunt work." She laughed.
He sighed dramatically,
"Always. Looks like you got stuck with it too."
"Oh yeah but I offered."
She turned to get the cup but Junmyeon grabbed it up just to be annoying. She looked at him confused and held out her hand for the cup. Junmyeon kept it close to him and said,
"I can take it back to him if you want to stay here with your boyfriend. I'm sure Minseok won't mind if you're late or if you don't show up."
She crossed her arms annoyed,
"Minseok or you?"
"I was only trying to help." He grinned.
She rolled her eyes and turned back to the man she was speaking to.
"By the way Siwon, when's the last time you saw Minseok anyway? "
"Oh we text every now and again but neither me or Ryeowook have come by because of-"
He stopped short in his response and she smiled politely and laughed. She touched his arm gently and rubbed it which gave Junmyeon goosebumps. Maybe he was a narcissist, because he was annoyed that she had never treated him that way. Why was there such an instant dislike between them when they first met? He was trying to remember how they first met.
Minseok had invited her over to their place. Junmyeon had moved in just recently and they were talking on the couch. He couldn't remember what he'd over heard but she was really giddy and very close to Minseok. Junmyeon remembered she was cautious around him and he was a little annoyed by that because it wasn't like he was going to hurt her. She probably wasn't even thinking that. He did remember she shut down just as soon as Junmyeon came in the room like whatever they were talking about was a secret. He could tell she didn't want him in the room but didn't want to say it because it would be rude. Junmyeon was stubborn enough to stay anyway. Minseok never hinted that Junmyeon should leave so he didn't. Maybe that's how his dislike of her started. He could understand if she wanted to keep somethings between Minseok and her but the cold shoulder seemed unnecessary and annoying. He was used to getting attention from a girl, if he wanted it he could get it and clearly Y/N didn't agree.
"Well, I know what I said but, maybe we could catch up sometime. Maybe accidentally run into each other at a movie?" she spoke.
The big grin and suggestion in her voice annoyed Junmyeon. He forgot he was holding onto Minseok's coffee and he forgot that Hyojin had slid his coffee on the counter. He didn't even flirt with her because he was paying attention to those two. Siwon chuckled and said,
"Maybe we could meet on neutral grounds."
"Movie night at Seok's?"
"If he's okay with it."
"I'll throw the suggestion his way." she grinned.
"You may want to remember that we have a big project to worry about. There's no time to get distracted by old flames." Junmyeon cut in.
His voice sounded a little bitter but he kept his calm face as she looked back at him. She scoffed,
"You're one to talk. Didn't you just come here to hit on Hyojin? You've been listening to our conversation this whole time, you could've left Minseok's coffee and been about your business by now."
"Why are you so rude to your oppa?" He teased.
She rolled her eyes. Siwon had a grin as he scratched the side of his face Junmyeon couldn't tell if he was amused by their banter or if he felt awkward for having to witness it. She turned back to him and he chuckled softly before lifting her chin gently and he said,
"I'm really glad to see you smiling again. Wookie misses you. He still hasn't completely forgiven Heechul and Heechul can tell."
"Life's too short to stay angry at him for that. Besides it wasn't entirely his fault."
"Well the majority of it was his and he knows it. What he did was wrong."
"He doesn't care Siwon. You know him better than anyone and all of you told me to stay away from him. If anything I'm the moron that didn't listen. "
"Aish!" Siwon chuckled and wrapped his arms around her. "You're not a moron, just a sweet little knuckle head."
He held her arms as he looked down at her.
"He didn't deserve you."
She smiled big and Junmyeon bit his lip. Why was this whole interaction annoying him? If she could smile that easily at Siwon, why was she so different with Junmyeon? Why was it that he seemed to annoy her? What did he ever do to deserve that cold shoulder in the beginning? She was a damn good actress, this Siwon guy seemed to really like her and Minseok treated her like she was always a victim. She didn't seem like a victim to Junmyeon. He wanted to stop listening to the conversation but his feet wouldn't move. Her watch started to beep and she checked it, noticing the time.
"Ah damn, I was supposed to be at Minseok's ten minutes ago. He hates it when I show up late."
"Yeah you make a good habit of it whenever we hang out." He laughed.
Siwon reached to move a piece of hair that was sticking up at the top of her head. It was a smooth effortless movement that she probably thought nothing of it. She even pulled her hair behind her ear before she gave Siwon one last hug. She turned to Junmyeon and asked for Minseok's drink. Junmyeon didn't feel like bothering her anymore. He handed her the drink and she was polite enough to say thank you but he noticed a brighter smile on her face when she said goodbye to Hyojin and Siwon. He stood there watching her leave feeling odd in inside. There was a twinge of jealousy he didn't know where it was stemming from but he could feel it.
He thought about Minseok's request this morning. He said that she was recovering from a break up. From what they were talking about, that Heechul guy must've been the one she dated. She didn't seem like she was very hurt though. Minseok did know her better than he knew her so maybe he could tell she was faking. From Junmyeon's point of view she seemed alright though. Siwon had gone about his business and didn't seem to find interest in him at all. Something about that bugged him too, considering how Y/N treated him maybe it occured to him that he wasn't something for Siwon to worry about.
Maybe I'm being a little too conceited
He didn't play a big part in Y/N's life. When she came to the flat, he usually wasn't there. Even though Junmyeon and Minseok were friends, they didn't always hang out with the same people. They had very separate lives and that was becoming way more apparent to him now than he had ever realized.
Junmyeon didn't feel like heading home since he knew Y/N was there. As much as he did get a kick out of annoying her, he didn't have the energy for it and he was sure Minseok wouldn't have it. There was no point in going there to do that anyway. He didn't want to make it seem like he was obsessed with her. He didn't care much about her anyway; he was bored and he was trying to distract himself from his night memories. He wanted to forget the horror and pain that they caused him. Even though he thought Y/N was a pretty good actress, he could out do her performance too. He had his own trauma to deal with and he'd become a master at pretending everything was fine. Medication may have had a part in that but he put in some work as well.
Junmyeon thought to call Seohyun and see what she was doing. He was pretty sure she had a shift going on at the moment so maybe he could meet her on her lunch break for a quick fix. Seohyun was kind of annoying though, she either wanted spontaneous sex or she wanted everything on a schedule. Her mood seemed to switch up and Junmyeon found that kind of difficult. He was alright with dating her but he sensed she wanted something more from him that he just wasn't willing to offer. He only really cared about getting his degree, everything else was either a simple pleasure or an annoying burden. He didn't care much about anything else.
After Junmyeon called Seohyun to see if she was up for a visit, he headed to a place no one in the school expected to see him at. The cemetary. He grabbed a rose from a center piece inside the main building and headed to the tombstone he wanted to see. He placed the rose at the base of the stone and sat down in front of it with a sigh and said,
"Hey mom, long time no see."