Trauma Ch.5

Who: Reader x Kim Junmyeon

What: Angst, Romance, Smut

Story: You're just two trauma filled people trying to live normal lives... but trauma is a bitch


Y/N's POV


When you woke up in Junmyeon's room, you were a little disoriented. Your stomach was a little unsettled and at best you could remember Junmyeon bringing you back to his place. You remember having Lady sitting on your lap and drinking with Junmyeon for a little bit. The rest slipped off into darkness. You were completely clothed so you didn't really think you and Junmyeon did anything but you had the distinct feeling that something happened between you two. You just couldn't place your finger on it.


Then, Junmyeon admitted you had explained things to him. Of course you said something while you were drunk. You felt stupid. It wasn't until he said that his father tried to kill him that you stopped resisting. He told you he'd explain his side since you told your side. You were about to find out something so secret about Kim Junmyeon it was almost unnerving but it was your chance. You were finally going to be able to understand why he acted the way he did. Maybe it would explain why he treated you certain ways.


You agreed to hear him out. He gave you the chance to get yourself together first. You knew that just meant he didn't want to talk about it at his flat with Minseok and Jongin. You could understand that, besides your morning breath was annoying you and you needed to get Lady back to the house. You just hoped your father didn't randomly show up to talk about what happened last night. You didn't want to talk about it with him of all people.


After you got yourself dressed and your morning routine was done, you sent Junmyeon a text. He ended up meeting you close to fifteen minutes later and you both walked in silence for a moment. You wanted to ask him what the story was but you also didn't want to be rude. You couldn't remember if he asked you or not last night. You wouldn't put it past yourself to just start talking when you're in that state of mind. You didn't get seriously drunk often, you liked a nice buzz to relax you but last night you were embarrassed and hurt and you wanted to forget. So, that mission was accomplished. Junmyeon seemed like he was lost in his own train of thought and you partly wondered if that meant he no longer wanted to tell you what happened.


You both ended up at a cemetery; you stopped at the entrance when he walked in. He turned back around to see you staring at the graves to the side. He walked back over to you and held out his hand to you. You kind of felt like a child being offered a hand by a guardian. You took his hand anyway and he led you through the graves until you both stopped in front of one with that looked like an award from school more than a headstone. A rose that was wilted laid at the base. Junmyeon released your hand and walked up to the headstone and placed his hand on the top of it.


"Hey mom...I'm back." He said.


You looked at him hurt. You covered your mouth and let out a soft breath. His mother was dead. You could only imagine how it felt for him. Did he really understand what you went through as a child? Junmyeon looked back at you and said,


"My mother died-- was killed when I was seven years old and the man who did it was my own father."


You swallowed when he said that, it was scary to hear him say something like that happened to him when he was a child. It didn't seem to even slightly compare to what you went through. His seemed worse by a lot more.


"Did you see it happen?" You asked.


He shook his head,


"My dad was really frantic that morning. He was always kind of rough around the edges, he was a real disciplinarian but that morning I knew something was really wrong. When I tried to run to my mom, he took me out of the house and packed me up in the car."


He sighed heavy, like the weight of the events that took place where ready to cave in his chest. He sat down in front of the tombstone and leaned against it. You could see a hollowness in his dark brown eyes. Without the sun to illuminate them, they looked like black holes sucking in space. He almost looked like someone petrified and frozen in time by the fear. He continued his story with his eyes glued to the ground.


"He yelled at me a lot that morning, especially because I was whining for my mom, then he just got oddly calm and told me that we'd all be together soon."


There was a pause and his expression changed like he was questioning his father's actions right now. It was almost as if he was watching the whole memory play out and he was a ghost of the future making comments on the side lines. You partly wondered if he remembered he had you as an audience.


"He drove us to this place we used to vacation at and he sat me down to talk to me. He was calm then, it was a normal conversation between a father and son but I could tell he wasn't himself. So when he left to go to the car, I decided to wander off. I walked for miles, I wasn't sure how long but there were some cops that saw me walking alone and started asking me where my parents were. I told them that my mother was at home and I didn't want to go with my dad. So, they took me to my place and it turns out my dad didn't even lock the door. So I ran up to my mom's room and that's when I found her- laying there,"


"Junmyeon stop." You said.


Your heart was racing and tears had rolled down your face, you could hear the pain in his voice. He looked up at you and his eyes widened a little. You were sure he wasn't expecting you to be the one that cried. You knelt down to be on his eye level. He gave you a pained smile.


"You don't have to do this. You don't have to relive it." you said.


"Just listen... When they found my father, I was still with them. I didn't see him kill himself but I heard the gun shot. I saw his body hit the ground. My father's mental stability was so skewed he was planning to kill me too, the police were sure of it and then he probably would've killed himself. If I didn't run away I would be dead."


"My father won't do that." You denied.


"Y/N you've admitted he has bipolar disorder. I saw how he changed moods very quickly but I also know that he likes controlling you. I think he likes it because you look like your mother. It's his way of punishing her instead. He can control her by controlling you."


"I'm not my mother Junmyeon."


He touched your face tenderly, the brush of his finger tips on your face awakened your senses. He was close to your face, you felt your heartbeat trip over itself. It stopped and started again while he looked in your eyes. You saw something in his eyes you never thought you would've seen coming from him.


"You're not your mother but I'm very scared that your father doesn't always know that. When his moods change, I don't think he can tell that the person he's trying to hurt isn't his ex wife and I am terrified that he'll end up doing to you what my father did to my mother."


You were terrified of your father but you never had the nerve to keep him away. You acted more like him than you wanted to admit. When someone left you, you erased everything that connected you to them. You erased them from your life the way you erased Heechul from yours. You were even going to push Siwon and Ryeowook out because of what happened. You erased people and memories and that was exactly what your father did when your mother left. You were angry that your mother left you behind with him and she never gave you a reason why.


"I come and talk to a stone as a way to feel closer to my mother. Are you going to make me talk to you that way too?"


You smiled through some tears trying to change the mood.


"You'd talk to me in death? I didn't know you cared."


"Neither did I." He said seriously, "but I do and I know what that helplessness feels like. I saw how scared you were last night. I saw how hurt you were. My grandparents helped me with my PTSD and the fact that Minseok isn't trying to convince you to stay away from him pisses me off."


"He's tried, I just don't listen."


"Then listen now Y/N. Don't let him hurt you anymore. Just because he's blood doesn't mean you have to endure it."


You shook your head. You wanted to break away from him, you had for years but he was your father. He was all you had, if you pushed him away maybe he would die like he said. Maybe it would make things worse and he'd show up at your place and kill you like Junmyeon had feared and maybe you got to go on with your life, maybe you'd be free of him but then you'd have no one left. You were more afraid to be alone than you were of dying and even as you thought that, you knew deep down it was illogical.


You stood up and pulled Junmyeon up with you. You wiped your eyes and Junmyeon wrapped his arms around you to pull you into an embrace. You were surprised by it but you relaxed in his arms and heard the pounding of his heart. It sounded like it was running away. You looked up at him and he looked down at you. Your eyes locked and there was a moment you felt you may swoon just from the look in his eyes. The cemetery was still and the world followed with it. Junmyeon placed his hand on your cheek again, caressing it sweetly. His eyes started to follow the path his thumb took to feel your cheek. He bent his head an inch as if he were about to do something but stopped himself. Your eyes looked at his lips for a moment before they looked back at his eyes. You took in a shaky breath and pulled away from him.


You pulled hair behind your ear as you cleared your throat,


"Um, I will- I will try and...do what you said."


Junmyeon cleared his throat and threw hands in his pockets. The moment had become awkward so suddenly. Junmyeon started to lead you out of the cemetery and decided to talk about something else.


"So why was the cat at our place last night?"


"My dad would've made a big deal about it. If I could pay for a cat then I could pay for my tuition too."


"Oh."


He sounded like he realized he made a mistake by asking that question because it all came back to your father's treatment of you. You were still shaken by Junmyeon's story and there was so much you wanted to ask him but you saw how hurt he was when he was talking about it. You couldn't fathom how much it hurt for him to tell you that story.


"The funny thing is, I never bought the cat. My boyfriend at the time bought her for me."


"Really? A whole animal he must've really loved you. I can't imagine why you two broke up."


You chuckled,


"He cheated on me."


"Why is that funny?" He smiled oddly at you.


"Because your comment sounded really sarcastic."


He laughed with you and it seemed like the tension between you two had finally lifted. You both walked in silence for a little while without much of a destination in mind. You considered talking about your project but your project was about depression it didn't make sense to start a topic like that after everything that had been discussed.


"So, I know it's probably not something either of us wants to talk about right now but I just have to know," you stopped in front of him,


"Now that we know these things about each other...Where do we go from here?"


Junmyeon looked like he didn't really know what to say. You were in the same boat but things were different now. He knew something about you that only Minseok knew and you knew something about him you were sure no one else close to him knew. How did it get to this? The two of you couldn't get along often, you competed to see who was smarter than the other and you were both... empathizing with each other.


"Well you know something about me and I know something about you, now we've got leverage over each other."


"I'm being serious Junmyeon."


"Serious? Okay- seriously speaking, I think we should take the time to understand each other and watch what we say. You only annoy me some of the time but I know that some of the things I've done to piss you off on purpose could've really triggered you. I know better now."


"I can handle that." You said.


He grinned like he was about to say something but he didn't. There was nothing much left to say so you two stopped by a diner to get lunch and then went your separate ways. The conversation between you two was relaxed, it was the first time you two were around each other for a long period of time and neither one of you fought. Although, the competitive nature between you two didn't disappear you both found ways to compete in a healthy way. Junmyeon had to leave for his night shift which left you going back home.


The silence of home, even with Lady running about, was no longer comforting though. Your mind jumped back to your father pushing you down and hitting you in front of company. Junmyeon never would've seen it happen if he hadn't shown up or if your father didn't invite him in....or if you hadn't mentioned your mother.


You laid down on the couch, you knew full well you had homework but you didn't want to move from where you were. Saying you'd run away from your father was one thing but doing it was another. You couldn't help but think about how brave Junmyeon was for leaving his father and trying to make his way back home to his mother. He was only seven, you were ten and couldn't manage the idea of leaving your dad. You were older and couldn't manage it now.


Your phone rang and the collar idea read "Father". You didn't want to answer it, you shouldn't have but-you did. You placed the phone to your ear but didn't say anything for a second. You almost thought to hang up but you finally mustered the ability to say,


"Hello."


"Y/N."


It sounded like he was crying on the other end. These calls were too routine, you knew everything that would be said and what would end up happening. It was the same story with the same predictable ending. You really wanted to listen to Junmyeon and cut him off but you didn't know how without the big fall out. You felt as if you were damned if you do and damned if you don't because either way, your father knew where you lived and he wouldn't let up.


"Please don't hate me ttal, I'm sorry." He whined.


The sound of his crying was almost sickening to you.


"I don't hate you papa." You said softly.


You just hated that he hit you. You hated that he scared you and manipulated you. You hated that Junmyeon might be right, even if your father might not mean to kill you, it's possible he might kill you on accident. You heard him cry and say,


"Please forgive your papa. I'm so sorry."


"It's okay papa."


Your tone said that you weren't interested. You'd seen him cry before. You knew how bad his disorder got when he didn't take his meds. If you asked him about it he'd lash out again. You didn't want to deal with that. You didn't really want to care. You were sure you didn't but you wanted to avoid more trouble.


"Is your friend going to tell the police what I've done? I'll never be able to see you again. You won't come and visit me." He said.


"Papa, nothing is going to happen to you....Papa,"


You wanted to say it, to tell him you needed some space. Your hand shook a little as you thought it. You didn't want to make him angry but that was the issue. You didn't want to do anything to alter his mood any more than it already was. You wondered how long it would be before he was overly happy again. Those were the days you tried to make yourself remember when your father lost his temper. When he took you and Minseok out for ice cream and he held your hand, you two were actually smiling and having fun. His highs always followed with lows that were painful for you to endure. It seemed worse when he didn't take his medication.


"Y/N? Are you there honey?" He asked.


You came back to reality and said,


"Um, Papa you should schedule a doctor's appointment to get a stronger medication."


"I'm fine, I was just angry. I don't need medication."


He still sounded distraught but he wasn't angry. You didn't want to push him even harder. What were you supposed to do? You sat on the phone with him in silence for a while before you made up an excuse that you had to get your school work done. You had work in the morning and class right afterwards so you didn't have time to linger on the phone any longer. He let you go, apologizing again and telling you he loved you. You hesitated when he said that and he called your name to see if you were still on the other end.


"I love you too papa." You said.


"Good. You're a good girl."


You could imagine a faint smile forming on his face. It was a sad pathetic smile that didn't mean much. You wondered if you had always felt this way about your father. It would make sense if you did, that deep down somewhere inside of you, you really dispised him but because he was all the family you had, you convinced yourself to push it down. Even after you hung up the phone, you kept thinking about what Junmyeon said to you. The fact that his father would've really killed him was terrifying and it was even scarier that he was only seven when it happened. It made you think about the real possibility that maybe one day your father's temper would get out of hand. You had to ask yourself the question, was that the real reason behind why you were so terrified of your father.


Deep down, were you always afraid he may kill you?

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