Who: Reader x Kim Junmyeon
What: Angst, Romance, Smut
Story: You're just two trauma filled people trying to live normal lives... but trauma is a bitch
"Wait a minute, I'm a little confused. Start from the beginning." You said.
Your mother looked at Junmyeon than you again. She sighed and her thumbs toyed with each other as she started to explain her story.
"Haejin and I were very close in high school. We had a brief moment where we kissed and that's what started it all. Our generation wasn't very accepting of those kinds of relationships so, when we graduated we decided to end our secret affair. We went to different colleges and started our own lives-"
"So when did you two decide to hook back up? Before or after you got pregnant with us?" You asked.
There was spite in your voice, you were angry and annoyed with her. Being able to face her was both therapeutic and upsetting. You always envisioned her living a grander life, having a new husband and a new family. You always wondered if you had disappointed her, if you weren't enough for her but here she was in front of you looking the opposite of what you imagined or even remembered. Your mother had class, and smarts, she had an alluring smile that was magnifying. When everyone said you looked like your mother, you felt it was the biggest compliment to you because she was the most beautiful woman you knew. Now, as you looked at her face: old, worn, tired with half life and watching her sit slightly hunched over you felt disgrace and pity. You didn't want to be compared to her and as you listened to her story you wanted even less to be known as her daughter.
"When you were four, Haejin spotted me in Itaewon. We rekindled our friendship. We caught up and talked about our families and as time went by, those feelings showed themselves again. I don't think they ever went away. We just knew it wasn't possible. We knew it was wrong but- we loved each other." She said.
"I remember her coming over and you two talking alot. It seemed like a normal friendship even when Papa wasn't around."
"If you had seen us, even by accident, I wouldn't have been able to explain it to you. I knew your father would be hurt if he found out and children are prone to slipping up. You once told your father she was over the house could you imagine how he would've reacted if he knew about the affair?"
"Gee, I don't know. Perhaps he would've tried to kill you kinda like he tried to kill me two weeks ago."
She looked at you wide eyed. Her hand went to her heart and you felt yourself cringe from her reaction. Despite it being genuine, you felt like her concerns for you weren't real enough.
"Inho tried to kill you? How is that possible he adored you?"
"Y/N I'm sorry." She said.
Her voice scratched like she was trying to hold back tears. She almost sounded pathetic but you were too upset to even care how she felt. You didn't think she had the right. You stood up ready to leave but she cried out for you.
"Y/N let me explain please."
You whipped around stalking up towards her, your eyes burned with tears threatening to spill over but even more anger and hatred towards her spilled out.
Junmyeon stood up and grabbed you; he held you tightly to him. Your chest heaved up and down and you willed all your emotion to stay down, to just wait until she couldn't see how much your heart was breaking. As angry as you were with your mother, deep down you wanted to forgive her. You wanted her to have a good reason why she disappeared, one worth accepting so that as you lost your father you gained your mother.
When the trees bloomed in spring, she would take you to the park, you two would walk around and she'd ask you what you saw in the park. You watched clouds together and visited the Han river at night. When it snowed, she would have a snowball fight with you and drink hot chocolate with you under blankets while you all watched movies. Your early life was filled with childhood memories you clung to because they were beautiful and distant. They seemed untouchable but it was all you ever desired. You lived with hope you'd have your family back one day and when that hope died you just wanted your father to love you. All you ever wanted was someone to love you and it felt like your cat might've been the only one truly did.
"I left because I felt guilty for Haejin's death. In the midst of our affair, her husband started to suspect that she was cheating with another man. She was afraid of his temper but she also loved you," she looked to Junmyeon.
He didn't look like he wanted to hear much about his mother. Perhaps she read that on his face because she looked back to you.
"Haejin thought it was best if we just went back to our normal lives. We had families we had to end it. Haejin wanted to get back home early that night but I begged her to stay a little longer. We slept together and then she left. That was the last time I saw her." She said.
"They had a fight the night before she died." Junmyeon said putting pieces together.
"I think he became so convinced about her affair that he tried to drag the truth out of her. It's possible she confessed to the affair or even confessed she was sleeping with a woman but if I didn't ask her to stay- if I hadn't coaxed her into staying later she might still be alive. The guilt ate away at me for three years, I was living with my own family and hers had fallen apart. I couldn't live with myself, I needed a new start so I decided to leave, I didn't tell your father because he would've chased me. I knew how much he loved me he would've fought for me but that only meant I would break his heart more in the process because I didn't love him."
"So why didn't you take me?"
"Because you were a reminder of the life I was trying to leave behind. You tied me to your father and I had to cut the tether to escape. But, the pain of my sins are like heavy weights forcing me to the ground."
"You can't take the blame for other people's actions." you said annoyed.
"Isn't that what you're doing to me? Blaming me for what your father has done."
"I did choose you. I thought you were safe with your father."
mentally ill hopedown
You and Junmyeon stood up and you headed for the door. You reached the front only to look back and see Junmyeon handing Seol the picture of his mother. He found out a lot too which meant you both needed time to process. You and Junmyeon went back to Seoul in silence; you both held hands and leaned on each other for comfort on the train. Junmyeon saw you home even though his place was closer to the train station. You both stood at your front door in silence for a moment. Junmyeon couldn't bring himself to look at you. You gave a bitter laugh and said,
"Don't tell me you're blaming me too."
He looked up at you like he had come out of a daze.
"What? What would I blame you for?" He asked.
"For being that women's daughter. She had just as much of a hand in destroying your family as she did mine and I look like her-"
He kissed you, his movement to your lips was swift, he cupped your face between his thumb and forefinger and his lips were soft against yours. When he pulled away you looked at him almost like a puppy.
You agreed but you partly wondered if he was already pulling away from you. You walked into the house but you noticed as soon as you unlocked the door he was already walking away. A part of you regretted asking him to come along. You thought about everything that happened though, you were just as guilty of pulling away from him as well. You two were doing this dance of getting close and pulling away. So many things from your past made it complicated to keep a proper relationship. When you were with Heechul, hiding your past and your father's abuse was easy. It was something that you had done all your life. Junmyeon was aware of everything, being this open with someone that wasn't Minseok was new. Your fear that he was with you because he knew your trauma had subsided and was replaced with the fear that he didn't want to be with you because you were your mother's daughter. He said that he wasn't anything like your father but you felt him moving space between you two.
You were at Cheong Jin Ok, despite not having a hangover you ordered the hangover cure anyway. You spun a coin on the table while you waited. Only three days had passed since you and Junmyeon discovered so much about your mothers and it was still hard to process everything. You weren't bothered by the fact that she was in love with Haejin; what bothered you was that they had an affair. They could've just left their husbands. Though, you started to wonder how well that would've gone for Haejin. It sounded as though Junmyeon's father had exhibited abusive behavior long before he killed his mother. It made some sense, he didn't just go mad and kill her because she had an affair unless he was already the type to get dangerously aggressive. He did this when Junmyeon was seven, you wondered just how much of his father's abuse he remembered. You wondered if he ever even saw it.
You were lost in your own thoughts when someone sat down in front of you. It took you a moment to realize it but you looked up to see Heechul smiling at you. For a moment, it reminded you of when you two first met. He had that glow about him, all kinds of charisma but there was a slight reminder of your father in him. The way you felt like you could never make him happy. That you were never really enough to begin with. You wondered if he ever loved you, you were...infatuated with him. Maybe it was the same for him, but what made him captivated with you?
"Boo." He said with a soft smile.
"What are you doing here alone? Couldn't find a date?"
Heechul was always a little too harsh. He may have meant it as a joke but it pierced through you a little.
"Didn't really want one." you answered.
The waiter stopped by and placed your hangover cure in front of you. The waiter asked Heechul if he was ready to order and he informed him he wasn't getting anything, much to your relief. You half expected him to try and turn this into an awkward kind of date.
"You don't look like you need a hangover cure." he said.
"I don't but at the same time I do."
"Where's that guy that's always attached to you. Junmyeon, right?"
"I don't know probably at home or hanging out with the guys.... He's not always attached to m-you think he's always attached to me?"
Heechul chuckled, he rested his chin in his hand as he looked at you.
"He was there everyday while you were in the hospital. Right by your bed side; he was pissed off I even showed up to see you."
"You came to see me?"
Your voice projected more hope and happiness than you meant it to. It was a given the Junmyeon by your side at the hospital; you figured he wanted to make sure you were safe because of everything that happened. He was the first one you saw when you woke up, he even kissed you. Heechul coming to see you in the hospital meant something to you, the feeling of not being wanted felt a little less heavier than before. That rose a question in you that you never thought to ask before,
"Why did you even go out with me?" You asked.
His eyebrows rose like he wanted to know where that question came from but then he sank his chin down in his hand and puffed up his cheek. You could tell he was thinking but for a moment his eyes wandered off and you wondered if he was ever going to answer your question. Normally, you wouldn't even talk to him, any one that hurt you, you kicked them out of your life. Although, your most recent revelation that you did the same thing your father did when your mother left made you realize you were following the same path. You still had your reservations when it came to Heechul but you were trying to resolve your problems not create more. Part of that resolution was facing them.
"You're really cute." Heechul said.
He wasn't even looking at you when he said it. He finally turned to look at you though and you just blinked at him. You could feel a blush rising up once again reminding you of when you two first met. He smiled at your look and said,
"You've got big eyes and a really pretty smile. You've got this gravitational pull about you that makes it hard to not want to get close."
"But you never got close."
"I tried- you wouldn't let me. Minseok was your go to person and that was annoying to me because you were a different person with him, he knew secrets that as your boyfriend I think I should've known. Or at least you could've trusted me with. The more you kept me out the more frustrating it was."
"Is that why you cheated?"
He got quiet for a moment. Neither one of you talked about it. You never talked about your relationship the way you should've. No wonder it never worked out between you. If he hadn't hit you back, you might've forgave him, you might've gone back to him if he said he wanted you. Instead, you tried pushing everyone out. Siwon and Ryeowook were hard to push out though, when you saw Siwon again you couldn't push him away. It felt too good to know that he was really your friend. You never really seemed to lack friends in your life, you were lucky enough for that.
So was it completely impossible for you to "fall in love?"
"I cheated because I wasn't satisfied by you."
"Next time just take a knife and stab me in the chest, it would hurt a lot less." You said sarcastically.
"Look, I didn't mean it to hurt your feelings but the truth is that you weren't connected with me. You were always somewhere else. It didn't even seem like you enjoyed it so I felt like I was just screwing a doll."
"Geeze do you have to describe it like that?"
You both laughed together and it seemed to be a good genuine moment that would lead to some healing. You still needed time but Heechul might not be so bad to hang around again. You enjoyed your time with him at the bar. As you two talked, he made some comments that annoyed you and ones that made you laugh but it reminded you a lot of the initial bliss when you two first hooked up.
"Why did you come here alone anyway?" He asked suddenly.
"Umm. I just kinda wandered in." You said.
Heechul had followed you out of the restaurant and was walking with you down the street.
"More secrets huh?" He teased.
"It's the truth. I was just walking around lost in thought and my stomach started grumbling so I walked in to eat. What were you doing in there alone?"
"I wasn't in there to begin with, I just saw you in there and decided to annoy you."
"What's up with you guys always wanting to annoy me?" You smiled.
Heechul pushed his finger into your cheek making you laugh. He claimed it was fun seeing your different expressions. He liked your eyes, your father liked them too. That's why he loved your mother, her eyes were expressive and large. He used to describe them like large black holes pulling you in against your will. It was the one advantage you had to never being alone.
It didn't seem like either of you had a destination but you stayed together for the majority of the day, even as the clouds began to roll in. You forgot about what it was like dating him, this seemed like a newer experience to you, although, deep down you missed Junmyeon. His radio silence was disturbing and your trial with your father was coming up soon.
"So what's up with you and that guy anyway? He ask you out yet?" Heechul asked.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Just wondering is all. It's obvious he's in love with you."
"Oh I forgot it's obvious to everyone but you."
You stopped in your tracks. You grabbed his hand to stop him and looked at him curiously.
"Did he tell you that?" You asked.
"He didn't have to it's obvious. Not to mention he hates when I come around. I have a sneaking suspicion it has more to do with the fact that I'm your ex rather than that I hit you. Which, I suppose I never apologized for."
He took your hand in his and kissed the back of it before he cupped your cheek with the other hand.
"I'm truly sorry for hurting you, not just physically but emotionally as well. I'm an asshole but you know this by now." He said.
You burst out laughing and swatted his hand away from your cheek.
"You really are an ass, but I suppose I can forgive you just this once. Just don't go taking advantage of my kindness."
"As an asshole I can't promise that."
You rolled your eyes but he laughed at you. You two started walking again but you brought up what he said before.
"So you really believe he's in love with me?" You said.
"You know if you were an anime character you'd have little sparkles in your eyes right now."
"Yes, he likes you. He's in love with you, in an annoying capacity actually. From what I've heard you two already slept together, if that was all he wanted from you then he wouldn't have gone through all the trouble he went through "
That may have been true but you wondered if he still felt the same after everything he had learned. You hadn't attempted to call him because you wanted to give him time. You thanked Heechul and gave him a hug before running off but you heard him asking you what he did to be thanked for. You headed to Minseok's place hoping to find Junmyeon there. You knocked on the door and Jongin answered. He welcomed you in.
"Is Junmyeon here?" You asked.
"I don't know I just woke up. Let's see."
Jongin knocked on the Junmyeon's door with you standing behind him. Junmyeon opened the door just enough to poke his head out. He was shirtless which seemed like the norm for him when he was home and in his room. When he saw you, his eyes got wide though,
"Y/N what are you doing here?" He asked.
"I wanted to talk to you. Can I come in?"
Junmyeon looked back in his room and then back at you making you feel like he was hiding something. You stepped up to the door,
"Junmyeon is someone in the room with you,"
You put your hand on the door and looked at him. You heard a snicker from behind the door and adrenaline rushed through you. You looked at Junmyeon hoping he'd tell you the truth but you doubted it.
"Listen, it's really not what you think."
"Then open the door. Show me it's not what I think."
He looked almost hopeless and he sighed defeated. He let his hand down so he could stop guarding the door. He opened it more for you to see Seohyun sitting on his bed. You stepped in looking at her disappointed.
Was heartbreak all you'd ever know in this world? Was nothing kind to you? You looked to Junmyeon with tears brimming,
"Then what is this, Junmyeon?"
"We were just talking." He said
"In your room, with the door shut and no shirt on? She's your ex isn't she?"
"Calm down Y/N-"
You raised your hand to stop Seohyun from talking. You were locking eyes with Junmyeon even as you said to her,
"I wasn't talking to you."
Junmyeon looked down at his feet. Was he playing you all this time? A thousand different things ran in your head but the first thing that came out of your mouth was,
"Did you sleep with her?"
He looked guilty which made you feel like throwing up. You hurried out of the house, Junmyeon called after you. You felt the first soft drops of rain coming down, rain you weren't expecting even though the soft gray clouds had taken over the sun. You heard Junmyeon calling after you and you hurried, running down the street but he was faster. He caught onto your arm and turned you around so you could look at him. The rain was pouring now, it picked up so quickly, you both were drenched, hair sticking to your faces.
"Let me go!" you yelled.
"Y/N listen to me."
"No!" You cried. You banged your fist on his chest crying, "I hate you. Why did you make me believe you cared about me? Why did you do this?"
"I do care about you. Y/n I got drunk last night. I don't even remember how I got home let alone if me and Segun slept together."
"Why did you get drunk? Why did you look so guilty?"
"Because I knew how it looked. I don't know if me and Seohyun did anything and to be honest I highly doubt we did. I got drunk because I couldn't process all of this information about my mother-"
"You do hate me for looking like that woman don't you?"
You tried to pull away from him but his grip was firm on your shoulders. He cupped your face,
"Y/N I don't hate you. None of what happened was your fault. You're not your mother I know that."
"But I look like her, that's all you'll ever see. The woman that destroyed your family."
You looked him in the eyes. Your vision blurred a little and you tried to wipe your eyes clear. You felt like someone was ripping your heart out.
"Y/N, I'm in love with you." Junmyeon confessed.
"How can you mean that? How am I supposed to believe you, when ever I get vulnerable around you, anytime I'm ready to take a risk she shows up. "
"You're the only one I want."
"How do you know?"
He crashed his lips onto yours kissing you hard and feverishly. Your lips molded with his as he deepened the kiss so much it was like he was trying to become one with you. His hands came to your neck then your waist pulling you into his body so that the idea of space didn't even exist. The taste of his lips, the fever of his kiss, he burned himself into your flesh and awakened a Phoenix fire like never before. Your heart jumped, skipped and leapt. It fluttered and wailed and every tear you cried out of sadness became happier. Happier than you had ever been before.
"I don't want to live without you." He said against your lips.
You looked him in the eyes. His thumbs wiped away tears. His white shirt was soaking and sticking to him showing the lines of his chest and abs. Your hands touched his chest, they memorized the muscles as if it would be the last time you'd ever touch them.
"Then stay with me. Don't see her, don't let her near you." You begged.
He kissed you once more, softly, letting his lips linger on yours. His tongue slow waltzing in your mouth. He breathed you in, and despite how cold the rain was making you, the heat of his kiss kept you warm on the inside.
"Do you love me?" He asked.
His eyes were half closed, he kept your face close to his, his hands still cradling your face. You looked at him with dewy eyes, and smiled.
"I do... I'm in love with you, I always have been."
He was overcome with happiness and scooped you up in one more deep kiss. You broke it to pull away and took his hand. You ran with him to your apartment, pouring rain and all....